Derek Mackie: James and the giant underpants!

Once upon a time there was a teenage boy called James. He lived in a small village with the unusual name of Sealeville-on-the-Ryse, which had one of the best beaches in New Zealand - for now at least! It was a popular day trip for residents from the nearby coal mining town of Shawbottom, James’ birthplace. 

 James loved everything about nature. He would get very upset when he saw people ripping up the ground with their machines, letting cows and sheep eat the grass, and cutting down trees they had planted to make stuff - what we would call mining, farming and forestry! 

 James believed that the environment should be left untouched and pristine and constantly lectured his poor, long-suffering parents about how bad people were for the planet. 

“But where do you think your dinner comes from?” they would ask. 

“The supermarket, of course!” replied James. “I’m not stupid, you know!”

His parents, Mr and Mrs Green, had a different view on that but didn’t want to upset James, who naturally assumed he was right. He always got very intolerant with people who disagreed with him, and had an annoying habit of pointing at them and shouting “you’re cancelled”, so they kept quiet. 

 They hoped he would grow out of his foolish notions but as he got older he became convinced that people were making the planet hotter and hotter. Cars and trucks would drive through his village and if he touched the pipe at the back it was really, really hot. James wasn’t stupid, as he was always telling his parents. All that heat had to be doing something. 

 He talked to his science teacher at school about it who said James was very clever and that there was a scientific theory called the Greenhouse Effect which explained it. His teacher didn't entirely understand how it worked because he didn’t have a greenhouse and, anyway, science was a bit of a mystery and had way too many equations and numbers for his liking, but it definitely had something to do with cars, trucks, planes and things….oh, yes, and farts from cows and even people! 

 “If you really want to help save the planet” his teacher said, “you should join the Green Party. They know an awful lot about why people are bad for the environment and have loads of ideas to stop them doing...well, pretty much everything.” 

“And,” said James “Green’s my name...how cool is that!” 

 First things first though. James went straight home, got the cling film roll out the drawer, dropped his pants and wound it around his bottom. No way any farts were getting out of this. Yes, plastic was bad for the environment but it was the lesser of two evils. Now for his parents' turn! 

 James left home the next morning. Not a moment too soon for his parents who had barricaded themselves in their bedroom just after James explained his plan to them. 

“Best you leave and go join that Green Party lot” they said. 

So he did. He jumped on his bike and headed for Wellingtonia, the most important city in the land where the Green Party lived. This was harder than he expected because for some strange reason all of the road signs had been changed into Maori. 

 After many close scrapes with cars and trucks on the way, he finally joined up with a big group of recreational cyclists who blocked off the whole of their lane so it was much harder for the vehicles to pass. 

“Isn’t this more dangerous?” asked James. 

The cyclists replied, “That’s irrelevant. We’ll show those bloody motorists. Think they own the roads, when they actually belong to us. Jacindarella has promised to make our wish for a new cycle bridge come true….but only after she’s granted her Maori Caucus all their wishes, of course, so maybe in a few years time” 

“Who’s Jacindarella. Is she leader of the Green Party?” enquired James.

“Where have you been, boy? Stuck in some seaside village with a weird name, in the back of beyond, no doubt. Jacindarella is our wonderful kind and caring Prime Minister who is adored by everyone. And no...she’s not in the Green Party but she gives them pretty much everything they ask for.” 

 James waved goodbye to his new friends, just as the ambulance arrived to take three of them to hospital after they pulled out in front of a stock truck. He went straight to the Green Party’s office near the Beehive and asked to join. When they found out his name was Green they waived the annual membership fee. He mentioned the Greenhouse Effect and they asked if he was interested in being party leader. 

“Don’t you have a leader?” asked James. 

“We do, but she hugs trees all day and keeps gluing herself to the road and railings. She’s hardly ever here. Spends most of her time in ED.  

To be honest none of us really understand the Greenhouse Effect and global warming but we do know it’s an existential threat of apocalyptic proportions because the UN says so. ” said the deputy leader. 

 “But don’t I have to be chosen by the Party first?” asked James 

“You leave that to me. I’ll just unilaterally and democratically change the voting rules and you’ll be leader by the stroke of midnight” And he was. [....sound like another fairytale?] 

 Soon after, James, as newly elected Green Party leader, received an invitation to attend the most important conference the World had ever seen….COP26! 

James couldn’t see the relevance personally. He wasn’t a member of the police and had no intention of joining but they promised to fly him in a private jet, put him up in a flash hotel and feed him at fancy restaurants for free! For a boy from a small seaside village with a weird name this was too good to pass up. 

 So, his taxpayer funded limo drove him to Wellingtonia International airport and dropped him off at the private jet check-in. The airport was very quiet because Jacindarella had just granted James his first green wish to ban all passenger flights in and out of New Zealand, other than those required for government officials and environmentalists to attend climate conferences and other “essential” travel. 

 James finally arrived at COP and was embarrassed to find out that it was all about climate change and nothing to do with law and order. He quickly had to write a speech on a key topic of discussion. He racked his brains for what seemed like ages but finally gave up after a minute or so with a splitting headache. 

Then it came to him. Why hadn’t he thought of it before. This would be the most amazing idea to save the planet and would make James even more admired than Jacindarella, who quite frankly only ever did stuff for her Maori friends. 

 The time arrived for James’ speech and everyone in New Zealand was glued to their TV sets. The old Green Party leader was literally glued to hers! 

James cleared his throat. “Fellow climate warriors! It’s an honour to be here enjoying the first class travel, five-star accommodation and hugely overpriced and pretentious food. But enough of that.” 

This caused an outbreak of nervous coughing and fidgeting and lots of people stared at the floor, checking their shoelaces. 

“I have an idea that will literally save the planet and cut emissions at a stroke!” 

 A buzz of anticipation went round the packed arena, which only held 2000 of the 30,000 total attendees. The rest were watching from the bar, restaurant or massage parlour of their “hotel”….or were still in bed after a tough night of “negotiating”. 

“Please reach down under your seat. There should be an item there which I will need you to use shortly.” 

The audience bent down en masse and picked up the item. There were lots of confused looks and a concerned murmur reverberated through the crowd. 

“Don’t be alarmed,” said James. “I’d like everyone to stand up and turn to your left. Now, this is very important. Undo your belts and buttons on your trousers and skirts and let them drop to the floor. If you’re wearing a dress just hitch it up around your waist. I appreciate this may seem very odd behaviour but it is a climate conference.” 

“Now, close your eyes, reach your hands out and take hold of the person’s underwear in front of you. No peeking!” James said, trying to inject a tone of levity into the proceedings. 

 There was a collective hushed intake of breath, along with some giggles and screams. 

“Now, in a swift but gentle movement, tug down the underwear, then quickly take the free end of the object and pull it out as far as it goes. Wrap it tightly around the person’s bottom. There should be enough for even the most generous of behinds.”  

“And there you have it. Everyone is now free to relocate their own undies...unless you prefer to have your partner do it for you. Ha ha!” 

 “We have just cut fart emissions instantly! Your job now is to leave this conference and perform the same ritual in your home and workplace until every person in the World is trapping their own farts. I am having my device modified to fit cows, sheep and other farting creatures so soon we will beat global warming...and make our planet a much more fragrant place to live!” 

“And finally,” announced James, holding up a large, immaculate pair of tighty-whities, “you can buy these official COP26 undies with “Seal the Deal” embroidered across the rear which will help raise funds to install a single wind turbine in quite a few African villages, giving them a tiny bit of power...occasionally. A worthwhile cause I’m sure you’ll agree.” 

 Once everyone had adjusted their smalls to their own satisfaction there was a spontaneous outburst of applause and a standing ovation. Well, truthfully, most people couldn’t sit down comfortably anyway. After sneaking to the toilet to remove their carbon-capture-and-storage device which was starting to chafe and cause a nasty rash, they congratulated James on an inspired idea which they felt certain would be adopted by the rest of the World...if not them, personally. 

 James was the hero of COP26 and returned to Wellingtonia expecting a ticker-tape parade and an interview on Seven Sharp, at the very least. But stepping down from his private jet there was an eerie silence. There was no crowd...only a couple of ground-crew who were whispering and blowing raspberries behind their hands. James waved anyway. 

 His limo ride back to Green Party Central was equally uneventful...until he turned the last corner. Finally, a welcome party….of tractors, cows, sheep and a huge truck filled with cling film. And, a giant pair of underpants which were strung across the road between two lamp posts with the slogan “NATURAL GAS FOREVER - BUTT OUT!” written in bright green letters. The crowd were waving banners with “Keep your hands off my undies” and “Let Farts be Free”. 

 When James got out of the car the crowd booed and jeered at him. The driver didn’t hang around and only hit three protesters performing a nifty 3-point turn in the limo. 

“Friends, please. What have I done to upset you?” James pleaded. 

The crowd yelled, “You’ve made New Zealand a laughing stock. Even our media are making fun of you and that’s after Jacindarella paid them to be nice.” 

 Just then a distraught looking woman with leaves in her hair and a TV stuck to her head pushed her way to the front. 

“Worse than that James Green. You’ve massively increased production of cling film to meet the demand from all the Greenies who believe you and are wrapping their bums in it. In summer it gets very sweaty and they’re going through a 20m roll every two days. There’s plastic everywhere. It’s an environmental catastrophe!” 

“And what do you think happens when people need a shower or a number 2. Their farts still escape you know...it just takes longer! Why don’t you go back to your seaside village with the weird name. You’re too stupid to be Green...and that’s saying something!” 

 So James did. 

His parents agreed to take him back but only if he gave up his membership of the Green Party, got a job in the local supermarket and learnt where all the food and other stuff really comes from. 

 And everyone else lived happily ever after! 

 The End 

 This tale is a parody on the sometimes ridiculous and often unworkable solutions proposed by the mainstream climate alarmist movement to reduce carbon emissions and supposedly “save the planet”. In reality, much of what they recommend is worse than doing nothing and the scientific ignorance and hypocrisy flaunted by our political elite and their hordes of cronies is jaw-dropping. 

Derek Mackie is a geologist with a keen interest in current affairs.