The weekly game show that challenges contestants to successfully NOT answer questions.
H: Welcome to Dodge the Question!
The show that’s taking New Zealand by storm. The hottest topic in smoko rooms and cafes up and down the country…for everyone with a vaccine pass.
This week, who will be our oracle of obfuscation…our purveyor of prevarication…and our master, or mistress, of misinformation?
Tonight we are delighted to have a very special celebrity guest on the show. None other than the Prime Minister herself, Jacinda Ardern.
H: A very warm welcome, Prime Minister, and many thanks for agreeing to appear.
J: I don’t usually do this sort of thing but when my extensive PR and Communications team explained to me that this was the highest rating show in Aotearoa I felt it was only right to take part. I’m just an ordinary kiwi wahine at heart, after all.
H: Yes, I'm sure you can lie with the best of us!
Eh, well…that's to say, you can pretend to lie. I’m not for a second implying that you lie as a matter of course…of course.
J: Let’s be quite clear on this, Hilary. I do not lie.
Choosing not to answer a question is usually because the question is not the right one being asked, so I see it as my duty to respond with the most appropriate answer and, in the process, educate both the audience and the questioner.
H: I see! Based on that reply, you sound like the perfect contestant.
Let me quickly explain the rules to you and our audience at home.
I’ll ask you a series of probing and testing questions pertinent to your occupation and a topical current event and you have to avoid answering them in the most skillful and creative way possible.
Our expert panel of MSM journalists will score your replies and you’ll get a mark out of ten.
The highest ever score has been 8.2. Think you can beat it?
J: I’ll do my very best knowing that I’m representing my country.
H: Right, let’s get started.
Do you agree with Trevor Mallard’s actions against the anti-mandate protesters outside parliament?
J: What I would say is I most certainly don’t agree with the disgraceful tactics employed by the protesters.
Abusing members of the public trying to go about their lawful business under my Covid restrictions. Assaulting the police. Causing gridlock in Wellington. Preventing university students, who all happen to be future Labour/Greens voters, attending lectures.
Of course, people are entitled to protest but in this case it has gone too far and is driven by far-right, white supremacists.
The Speaker is quite rightly concerned for the state of parliament’s lawns, which look like a battlefield, and I need to let him do his job to reclaim our native flora for all Kiwis to look at…but not camp on.
H: Excellent dodge, Prime Minister.
J: Thank you, Hilary. This doesn’t come naturally so I’m having to adapt quickly.
H: You could have fooled me!
J: That’s the art of a great politician.
H: Moving on. Do you think soaking people and blaring loud music at them fits with your kind and caring mantra and demonstrates respect for human rights?
J: I’m not going to get into the minutiae of managing protests. I’m very aware of not interfering with how the Speaker and Police Commissioner choose to handle things on the ground and I most certainly do not want to blur the lines of responsibility, in the event something unfortunate happens.
But instead, what we have to consider is the atrocious way media journalists, simply reporting the truth, have been abused and threatened by the protesters. There are signs calling for the execution of politicians. Most of the views expressed by the protesters are pure misinformation and the NZ public should be in no doubt that this protest is challenging the very way of life I’m building for our team of 5 million.
H: Another great dodge, Prime Minister.
J: Yes, I’m getting into my stride and rather enjoying this.
H: Let’s see if you can keep up this stellar performance.
H: Next question. The protesters want to discuss their concerns with you and say they’ll leave if you put a date on removing mandates. Will you do that?
J: I’m going to push back on the view that this is a group willing to engage in political dialogue. We’ve seen some horrific behaviour out there and I’m not going to legitimise it by agreeing to discuss their wholly unreasonable demands.
What I will say to the public of Aotearoa is this. We have removed lockdowns, which were a severe but entirely necessary measure for public health and safety. We will eventually remove mandates, at some undefined point in the future, but that is a decision that only myself and my government-funded independent experts can make and I will not be pushed on that by a rabble of deplorables.
H: Ooooh! That was dangerously close to an answer there, albeit vague and fuzzy. Is the PM slipping?
J: Is that your next question?
H: No! It was rhetorical and just directed at the viewers.
J: You had me confused there for a moment.
H: Well, that is the whole point of the game.
H: And now for your final question. Do you agree, by ignoring the protesters' requests for dialogue, many of whom vote Labour, that you are showing contempt for all NZ citizens?
J: Let’s be absolutely clear here. Parliament is a place of dialogue and robust debate. We don’t always agree but, with an outright majority, luckily that’s irrelevant.
I am proud that in my term as Prime Minister I have overseen the World’s most successful campaign against Covid and kept the NZ public as safe as possible.
I know, through regular polling of Party members and Labour voters, that I am respected and admired by virtually all Kiwis and I am humbled by that. It is an honour to lead Aotearoa to a “new normal” where, in time, legislation can be enacted to outlaw similar fascist protests and allow those responsible to feel the full force of the law.
H: Saved the best dodge ‘til last!
Let’s go now to our experts(E) and get your score.
E: After careful consideration and checking that we all voted exactly the same way, we can announce that the Prime Minister scored a hugely impressive 9.9. Losing just 0.1 for her “almost” answer to question 3.
H: Wow! That is amazing. I don’t see anybody equalling that.
J: I’m glad I lived up to the nation’s expectations.
They now know they have a leader who can effortlessly deflect and avoid answering any question coming her way.
H: And on that note, we have to end the show.
See you next week!
Most of Jacinda’s “non-answers" are based on replies she gave during an interview on The AM show: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qtlue4iVLbMh
Derek Mackie is a geologist with a keen interest in current affairs.
3 comments:
Isn't this actually an example of a weak interviewer?
Good interviewers know how to turn an evader around, that's part of what they get paid for. Perhaps she works for government funded media.
RRB, yes it is a wonderful example of a weak interviewer but that's the only kind she will appear with. She cancelled the Monday morning radio spot with Mike Hoskings because he wasn't weak, quite the opposite, probably one of the few journalists doing what they should do.
Was this fiction?
I thought it looked like a transcript !! :-)
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