With that in mind, what follows is a scenario that NZ Defence Force personnel may very well face in the near-future before engaging an enemy, and reflects the current obsession our Establishment has with co-governance, positive discrimination of minorities, cultural awareness and inclusivity across NZ society as a whole.
A: Captain H’Ardern-up
M: Sergeant “Nine Lives” Mahuta
J: Corporal “Talk ‘em dead” Jackson
A: Right squad, gather round and pay attention.
M: You heard the Captain. Come on you lot, kia tere!
A: Our unit has been chosen to represent the NZ Defence Force in today’s international army manoeuvres with our allies.
This is a great honour and, much as I’d like to think it reflects senior command’s high regard for our military skills, it’s almost certainly due to our large contingent of indigenous troops and feminine gender bias.
As you know, in today’s army, inclusivity and minority favouritism are of supreme importance when assembling an elite fighting force. That way, if we are confronted with a superior traditional enemy we can always shame and cancel them into surrendering.
However, I’m determined to show that we are the best unit for the job in all respects and over the next 8 hours we will face a series of challenges which will test us to the limit. I am confident that if we work as a team and follow commands we will come through with flying colours.
A: Our mission…
J: “If we choose to accept it!” Mission Impossible - get it?
“This officer will self-destruct in 5 seconds”.
M: Tutakina! Don’t interrupt the Captain when she’s talking down to us.
A: Thank you, Sergeant.
As I was saying, our mission is to infiltrate enemy territory, rescue a small group of civilian hostages, destroy the enemy installation and return to base with no civilian casualties.
J: What about our casualties, ma’am? Don’t we matter, then?
A: As soldiers we accept that there is a risk to life and limb when we sign up. In saying that, we are highly trained to protect ourselves and our comrades.
M: Anyway, it’s only an exercise, stupid, so no live ammo will be used. You’ll just have to pretend to be dead.
J: That’s typical. We’re just virtual cannon fodder for the higher-ups.
A: Remind me, Jackson. Why did you join the army?
J: To ensure that tangata whenua are disproportionately overrepresented across all ranks, are guaranteed equal outcomes, and that co-governance is adopted as a cornerstone in all branches of the armed forces.
A: Silly me for asking.
J: We - that is, Mahuta and me…not you, ma’am - should be allowed a 50% say in all military decisions.
The Treaty says so…. if you interpret it the right way.
M: I have to agree with Corporal Jackson on this, Captain.
A: Let me get this straight. You two expect anyone identifying as Maori to be asked their opinion before carrying out an order? And then to vote on whether to act on said order?
M: The Treaty’s quite clear on this. It’s a partnership with Maori entitled to a 50% share of power….and everything else.
Our government is rolling it out across every sector of society. No reason why it shouldn’t apply to the army….ma’am.
J: It’s progressive neo-marxism in action, restoring the indigenous people to their rightful place of power in an ethno-nationalist democracy.
That’s what it is….ma'am!
A: I see. Sounds like you should be studying political science, Corporal.
But orders are orders, aren’t they? You don’t question them, you obey them. That’s the foundation of army discipline. If the lower ranks started defying their senior officers anarchy would reign.
M: If you don’t mind me saying, ma’am, your attitude epitomises centuries of conquest, colonisation and white supremacy and has become ingrained in society.
J: But not any longer.
We, the oppressed, will rise up against our oppressors and overthrow them! Then we’ll be in charge and give them a taste of their own medicine….ma’am.
A: Sounds awfully like Karl Marx. Won’t you be the oppressors then?
J: Aah! That’s why we only want a 50% share of power….and a veto.
See, we’re not greedy like you lot.
A: I’m sure this is all well and good, and I myself lean politically to the Left like all fair and reasonable people, but we have an urgent mission to accomplish so I’m going to take you through my plan.
The enemy camp is here. We’ll split into three groups. Mahuta, you and Jackson will each lead a unit and execute a pincer movement, here and here. I’ll take charge of the third unit and, when you’re in place, I’ll attack from the front, drawing the enemy’s fire and allowing you to extricate the hostages with minimum damage.
Once the defenders are overwhelmed we can take prisoners, plant our explosives and destroy the installation. And remember, the hostages are the number one priority.
Are we all clear on our roles?
M: An interesting proposal but lacking in critical detail…ma’am.
J: It could work but we have to consider the make-up of the groups.
A: I beg your pardon! Are you questioning my ability to command?
Like any good officer I’m open to suggestions from my subordinates but, let’s be clear, the final decision will be mine.
M: With respect Captain, there’s not much “partnership” or “co-governance” in that statement.
J: What Sergeant Mahuta actually means is, with a complete lack of respect, you have ignored the right of Maori to consult each other and give feedback on your proposal.
Then, after consideration of your amended plan, we’ll have to vote on it, with appropriate weighting to ensure tangata whenua’s votes make up 50%. There are multiple iwi represented within the squad and all will want their say.
A: And how long is this going to take?
M: With Jackson and myself pushing them along I’m confident we can have it done in less than 6 hours.
A: Oh, no way! We have to launch our strike in the next 30 mins or we simply won’t have enough time.
J: I’m sorry, Captain, but nobody said co-governance would be quick or easy.
A: What exactly do you need to discuss?
M: Firstly, each group must be fairly represented with Maori. Then all other ethnic minorities and gender identities can be assigned.
J: We only have two soldiers identifying as transgender so one group would have to be happy to operate without. If we can’t get agreement you may have to draft another one in.
M: Certain iwi may have issues being grouped together, based on past history grievances or tribunal settlement claims.
J: It can get very tricky with the multitude of ethnicity and gender variables these days. I’d say 6hrs is pushing it!
M: I know for a fact that two of the new recruits are suffering from PTSD, ma’am.
A: That’s impossible, they’ve only just joined up. Anyway, we never actually fight anyone. They must be malingering.
J: Oh…. there’s that white supremacy thing coming out again.
M: Both had a traumatic time in basic training. They found the obstacle course and firing range very confronting and have been on light duties and medication ever since.
I promised they could act as stretcher bearers and stay at the back.
A: Without my permission? Who’s in charge of this squad, Sergeant?
M: I thought we’d explained all that, ma’am. WE are!
J: The hardest squaddies to place are the white he/him males. Nobody cares much about them. That could take another couple of hours.
And a few LGBTQ squaddies have requested permission to wear rainbow jackets instead of standard camo. And they’d all like to be together, if possible.
M: Then there’s the actual plan of attack to approve.
We have a few Scorpios and Cancers so they may object to the term “pincer” movement as “astrologically signist”.
Maybe you could think of an alternative non-offensive expression, ma’am.
A: So that’s it, is it? No more issues?
Based on what you’ve told me we’ll have about 10 mins to execute the plan, if we’re lucky!!
J: There’s also the cultural protocols to consider.
A: The what?
J: As the eminent indigenous minority group, we insist on performing the appropriate battle challenge to our enemies….in native dress.
A: A haka, you mean?
It’s supposed to be a SECRET attack. Not a full frontal assault with whistles blowing.
M: Doesn’t matter. These days Maori cultural practices and spiritual beliefs take precedence over everything else.
A: Even your lives? We’ll lose the element of surprise and get slaughtered!
J: It’s just a game, Captain. We only ever pretend-fight our allies and they’re as woke as we are.
I’m expecting a non-combative group hug and hongi with them after the haka then back into position for our “surprise” attack.
Check out Facebook and Insta for pictures too!
A: But what if it was real?
There are real wars going on at the moment you know. Ask the Ukranians!
M: Better to be emphatically defeated while honouring our cultural beliefs and being a model of inclusivity, than win a hollow victory under the banner of discrimination.
A: Very eloquent, Sergeant. Maybe you should go into politics.
M: Funny you should say that. My sister’s a Cabinet Minister.
J: Yeah. So’s my cuz.
A: Now I see where all this is coming from.
<<<<<<<< 4 hours later >>>>>>>>
Colonel: H’Ardern-up, what the hell’s going on?
You should have been on the move hours ago.
A: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. We’ve just been working through some of the minor, yet vitally important details of our attack.
Another few hours and we should be ready.
Col: Is this some kind of joke? The “enemy” is getting bored and radioed in to see if you’d got lost.
Why are those soldiers wearing rainbow-coloured jackets?
You’re a bloody embarrassment to the NZ Defence Force.
M: Excuse me, Colonel.
My sister is very good friends with the Defence Minister. In fact they’re distantly related. They also work closely together and share the same vision for a co-governance defence model.
They’re currently reviewing all top-level personnel, including yourself, to ensure appropriate ethnic, cultural and identity awareness.
I believe your exit interview has been arranged for next week.
Col: Are you threatening me, Sergeant?
A: I think Mahuta is just explaining how things will work going forward, sir.
And with that in mind, I’ve decided to fully embrace my NCOs recommendations. We’ll be ready when we’re ready, sir. And not before.
If you’d like to tell the enemy to hold on we’ll engage them in good time and in the most culturally appropriate way.
Col: Heaven help us! The World’s gone mad.
Derek Mackie is a geologist with a keen interest in current affairs.
4 comments:
Absolutely brilliant - but distressingly feasible.
Very funny and thanks for that. Also scary. Hopefully not prophetic. I wish all our MPs had to read NZCPR articles. I expect more to walk out before the end of the year unless they are all truly gutless and unconnected to their electorates.
MC
Bloody brilliant satire Derek. I had a good laugh and then later had a good cry, because of the chords of truth running through the scenarios.
Wokeness is a global scourge, with the exception of Florida, where Critical Race Theory, Gender Identity, Black Lives Matter and other manifestations of WOKE are getting the 'heave-ho'.
Under the recent Australian LNP Coalition Government, there were two successive female Ministers of Defense, whose agenda seemed to be more about feminizing the ADF than addressing the military issues. In the RAAF, lower-rank females automatically receive promotion to corporal after three years service, regardless of their level of competency or leadership qualities, whilst the males have to meet standards and do courses to obtain promotion. In the heat of battle, would these gender-based promotions deliver the calibre of leadership and efficiency required?
I was expecting the military hardware to be painted pink.
Thanks for the article Derek. It speaks heaps.
Hopefully our frigate(s?) will be promptly dispatched by a missile so reduce antagonism and destruction. With so many maori in the forces and so much effort devoted to matters cultural, how to neutralise the more provocative haka parties will be a greater challenge. Hopefully when the Chinese arrive in fuller force, cancel co governance, and fell the kauri I will be allowed back into the recreational Waitakeres.
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