Derek Mackie: What's mine is yours

The threat of co-governance is on many people’s minds at the moment. Made more concerning by our government’s deliberate vagueness as to how it would manifest for each of us on a personal level. 

Here’s my take on co-governance and a tongue-in-cheek example of how it might practically work in the real world.

     DO: Dairy Owner 

     R: Robber 

     S: Sidekick 

DO: I am most sorry. We are just this minute closing. 

Anyway, no hoodies….or balaclavas are being allowed inside the shop. However, if you would be removing them I would be most happy to serve you. 

R: Shut-it and get inside. This is a robbery, old man! 

S: Show him the shooter, bro. That’ll scare the shit out of him! 

DO: Oh my goodness! 

We are also enforcing a strict no gun policy on our premises. I must ask you to be leaving that outside, and I am trusting you will be having a valid firearms licence for it? 

S: A what? It’s a sawn-off we borrowed from our mate, Bil…. 

R: Zip it, you clown! What did we learn in our first class? Never use names. I told you that. 

Now listen, Mr Dairy Owner. Just do exactly as we say and you might not get hurt. Understand? 

Give us all your cash, ciggies and booze. 

DO: I do not wish to pry, but may I be asking if you are identifying as Maori? 

R: So what if I am, bro? Got a policy against that too? 

DO: No, not at all. On the contrary. I must be telling you that this could be your most lucky day. 

S: Has he got a screw loose? 

Just show us the money, ciggies and the booze…NOW! 

DO: Please be permitting me to explain. 

I am being a life-long Labour Party supporter and, as an ethnic minority myself - though, clearly not as important as you, dear sir - I am fully supporting our wonderful Jacinda’s co-governance agenda, which is entitling our most auspicious indigenous people to 50% of everything. 

R: Sweet as! Then hand over the ciggies and the booze and we’ll be gone.

DO: But you are not understanding me. You can be having much more than that. 

You are being entitled to 50% of everything in my dairy! 

And, we are having quite a few 2-for-1 specials at the moment which means you can be having 66.7% of those selected items. I am priding myself on giving my indigenous customers most excellent value for money. 

S: Did I just hear him right? 

R: Chur bro, that’s very generous but we just want the cash, ciggies and booze….please. You can keep the rest. 

S: Yo! Hand ‘em over and she’ll be right! 

DO: I am afraid that is not possible, sirs. 

He Puapua is being quite clear on this. You are being entitled to 50% of everything ….nothing more, nothing less. If we are not following the rules it could be leading to much confusion and ill-feeling, and we will not be wanting that. 

So, I can be giving you half of my cash, cigarettes and alcohol, but no more. 

R: You’re doin’ my head in! 

This gun’s loaded and I’m not afraid to use it, old man. 

S: Yeah, you tell him, bro. Though, you’ve never actually fired a gun before, ay! 

DO: There is to be no need for the discharging of offensive weapons. Which, I must be adding, should have been handed over to our glorious police force during the amnesty, after our most terrible Christchurch massacre. 

Another highly excellent example of how our wonderful Jacinda is using her kindness and caring to make our land safer for everyone. 

R: OK, I’ll make you a deal. 

You can keep the cash but we’ll take all the ciggies, half the booze and… half your scratchies. 

DO: Finally coming to the negotiation table - most admirable! I am very much enjoying a good haggle! 

Before we proceed I must ask your friend, are you being Maori also, sir? 

S: No. But so what? 

DO: Ah, that will be complicating matters somewhat. 

I am a stickler for the rules so only you sir, with the gun, are being entitled to 50% of everything, not your fellow criminal. Humble apologies. 

R: Fine! Just give the lot to me and we’ll split it after. 

DO: I am afraid that is impossible. 

He Puapua is proposing co-governance entitlements and privileges for tribal entities only, not individuals. 

Being most generous, I have assumed your gang-of-two is meeting the definition of a tribe; but only half the tribe is Maori so you are only being entitled to 50% of 50%! 

S: Booyah!! That makes 100% then. We’ll have to get a truck if we’re taking everything! 

DO: I am afraid you are being mistaken, sir. 

Your maths is sadly deficient - something all too common with the plummeting school achievement standards and high level of truancy in our schools these days. 

I am sure our wonderful Jacinda will be fixing this with immediate urgency.

The correct answer, I am regretting to say, is 25%! 

R: Say what! So now we only get a quarter of everything….because of him? 

I knew I never should have brung you! 

S: Chill, bro. How did I know we were robbing a Labour dairy? 

DO: I am entirely being open to discussion on this. I am never being faced with this situation before and there is existing, absolutely no precedent, to my knowledge. 

R: So him being non-Maori…and reducing what I get…. that’s discrimination, innit? 

DO: You could be having a point. 

R: Anyway, I get a veto. Meaning I can kick back any deals I don’t like. 

So…I’m vetoing your 25% offer and topping it with the ciggies, booze and scratchies, like before. 

DO: Very sharp, young sir! 

Normally I would be accepting of this but your friend’s non-Maoriness is diluting your tribe’s voting rights down to 25% and a veto is not working.

The only way I can be agreeing to your proposal is if he votes the same as you. 

I cannot be saying fairer than that. 

R: Of course he’ll vote the same as me. 

S: Actually bro, I want 50% - or 25%, I’m not sure anymore - of the choccy, chips and fizzy. 

DO: Ah, democracy in action, illuminating most brightly the importance of a public consultation and feedback process. 

R: No…no, way! I’m in charge and he’ll do what I tell him. Won’t you! 

DO: The votes are in and have been counted, gentlemen. We are appearing to be at an impasse. 

R: You know, we could’ve turned up in a big-arse V8 with bull-bars and ram-raided your shop. But we wanted to be reasonable. 

Never again! 

S: Yeah, your dairy would’ve been a right-off. 

Hey, bro, let’s go steal a car now. 

R: Shut it. We haven’t learned how to hot-wire one yet. 

S: Shit! That’s right. We’re only in Year 1 of our 4-year government-funded gang apprenticeship. They don’t cover that ‘til Year 2. 

DO: I am sympathising most sincerely. I really am. 

However, it is getting late and I am having to be up at 6:30 in the morning to open the dairy again. So can we be agreeing on 25% of everything and get on with it, please. 

S: Is that a police siren? 

R: Have you got a panic alarm button fitted behind the counter? 

DO: Of course not! 

But my good wife, who will be living right above us, is voting ACT and is a firm believer in law-and-order, so she is most definitely ringing the police when you first came in. 

She is most strongly objectionable to He Puapua and this is leading to much disharmony between us. 

Police: Hands where I can see them, lads. Give me the gun. On the floor, face down. 

Are you alright, sir? 

DO: Fine, officer. We were enjoying a most stimulating conversation on co-governance. 

Police: Very clever of you to keep these two talking while your wife called us. Not that I’d say that publicly. Official advice is give them as much as they want and don’t argue. 

DO: I was trying sincerely to do that but they were most forcibly insisting on taking less. 

Police: A crim taking less! Pull the other one, sir. 

R: This is so embarrassing, man! 

What chance have we got now of being “employed” by a quality gang when we complete our apprenticeship. They’ll fall about laughing. 

S: I might drop out and go back on the benefit, bro. At least then, I can visit the dairy anytime and just buy whatever I actually want. 

R: Yeah, Labour’s co-governance bollocks has got a lot to answer for. 

It just don’t work for ordinary Maori! 

Derek Mackie is a geologist with a keen interest in current affairs.