Derek Mackie: Want top priority? Become a Minority!

Ever feel ignored? Just one of the crowd, crammed in at the back, stuck in the rain with a single row of portaloos and a hotdog van. Cordoned off from the standard covered seating area and the eclectic food stalls. 

That’s what being part of the vast majority is like these days. 

 It used to mean getting most of what you wanted and having governments that concentrated on meeting your needs. Not anymore. 

You pay your taxes, which are just as high, but your rights are diminished and you get less and less back in public services, but are thankful as long as you don’t get abused in the process. 

 In our modern, woke progressive era minorities have become the new majority. They’re loud and very demanding, and even when you agree with them they still bad-mouth you. 

The media, our academics and politicians adore them and can’t do enough for them. This encourages even more outlandish claims, some bordering on the ridiculous. 

 The recent furore in Auckland concerning a women's rights activist speaking out against transgender males’ alleged rights shows just how heated and nasty things can get. 

Traditional men have been out of fashion for decades but it seems even women are becoming yesterday’s news. The fairer sex is now being targeted for expecting some privacy in public toilets and changing rooms from men who “identify” as women but still have all their boy bits under the dress. 

 Desperate to be considered female in all respects, they also want to be swaddled in a blanket of inclusivity when it comes to having kids. And not as Dad, who likes bottle-feeding Baby dressed up as Mum, but the full “Call the Midwife" experience. 

To the extent that breast-feeding has been declared an elitist activity and renamed “chest-feeding”. Oh yeah, and women no longer become pregnant - “people'' do. 

This is the woke brigade’s latest charm-less offensive (in both senses of the word) to allow anyone delusional enough, to pretend they can give birth, regardless whether the baby has a way out or not. 

 Some of the most vociferous supporters of this anti-women campaign and biological balls-up are women, usually in positions of power, who previously made a name for themselves standing up for their own sex. The Green Party and Labour Party are littered with them. 

Many have kids so should know exactly how things work down there but that hasn’t stopped them from denying the obvious. 

 At the Posie Parker event, Greens joint-leader Marama Davidson, mother of six (or should that be “cix”), couldn’t wait to support her trans whanau and was only beaten to the tomato sauce bottle because she was clipped by an unfortunate motorcyclist in her rush to abuse her fellow females. If only the rider had got his/her/its/they/ze? heavy goods licence!

That didn’t stop her making a completely unconnected and spurious claim that “all violence is caused by white cis men”. 

Don’t call me cis, sis! 

 Poor old Marama! Facts were never her strongpoint. Nor logic, reasoning or common-sense, for that matter. As a government minister, she doesn’t let that hold her back though. Indeed, it’s a definite advantage when it comes to promotion opportunities in this Labour administration. 

You see, sis/cis, I’m afraid your own ethnic minority tops the violence stakes by a mile and even women commit a decent number of violent offences. 

 But let’s not digress any further and instead focus on the positives. Just because you’re, dare I say it, normal, doesn’t mean you can’t be a minority too. There are so many to choose from these days. 

The heavy hitters come to mind straight away - racial, ethnic and gender minorities. These are the equivalent of our main political parties. They carry the most weight and subsequently have the highest level of extremism, entitlement and outrageous demands. 

To the average majoritee, joining one of these groups may seem daunting and require significant lifestyle changes, as well as surgical enhancements, but it can be surprisingly easy to gain membership. 

 I admit that becoming a racial minority is a bit of a stretch if…. well…. you’re not. Race is typically perceived as something that’s hard-wired in your DNA and inherited across generations. Skin colour and physical features are the two obvious barriers but it’s amazing what makeup can do - ever seen Tropic Thunder? 

And there’s always more drastic measures - look at Michael Jackson! 

OK, he went from ebony to ivory instead of the other way around so is hardly an advertisement for woke, but you get my point. 

 And some countries in the South-West Pacific make it really easy. 

On the NZ census form you just have to tick Maori and then enrol on the Maori Electoral Roll. A DNA test is not required; neither is proof of ancestry. Pick an iwi and you’re laughing. No need to change your name from Angus McDonald or book a session on the sunbed. 

 If you’re still feeling uneasy, ethnicity does allow for a bit more wriggle-room. What’s the difference between race and ethnicity, I hear you say. And until I looked it up on the internet I was unsure myself, but the latter is “typically understood as something we acquire, or self-ascribe, based on factors like where we live or the culture we share with others”. 

Bingo! You can be any ethnicity you want and still look like Ed Sheeran! 

 As for gender, that is completely fluid and there are no defining physical characteristics. It’s not like the old days when you could check by looking between your legs. That’s irrelevant…apparently. 

Your wedding tackle is as interchangeable as a Transforma ladder….especially with the help of a good surgeon. Make it whatever you want. You don’t even have to pick a gender if you don’t want one. How good is that? 

 If the top three still make you nervous, go for something less extreme. 

Dietary minorities are all the rage and allow you to posture and pity those around you while staying physically intact and keeping your passport photo. You’ll probably lose a few pounds too. 

Now, I’m not talking about people with genuine food allergies here. It’s no joke having chronic gut-ache or worse and sufferers rightly avoid certain foods for a very good reason. 

 No, it’s the ones that choose to go gluten-free, or dairy-free, or full out vegan because it gives them a point of difference. Then insist on telling us how great they feel….and how bad we must be feeling, surely. I mean, aren’t we? 

Visiting the cafe is an exercise in self-denial, made bearable by the chance to sermonise to their flock of sinners, who nod dutifully while chowing down on their chocolate eclair. 

 The above list is not exhaustive by any means but the more minor a minority you become the less you get, so best to stay a majority minority…if that makes sense. 

 So, don’t be a second class citizen any longer. Join the minority! 

 Terms and conditions apply, available on request. 

Derek Mackie is a geologist with a keen interest in current affairs.