Derek Mackie: Free-thinking lifeform emerges from the thick Green swamp

Breaking News!!! 

 An extraordinary story has just leaked out of the Green Party’s Pure-and-Organic Research Centre or PORC (pron. pork) in Wellington, which was allegedly set up to promote sustainability and eco-friendly practices. 

The location of this facility is closely guarded by the Greens who don’t want undesirables like - meat and dairy eaters, petrol/diesel drivers, farmers, women's rights campaigners, free speech advocates, centre-right “extremists”, old school journalists - to name but a few, turning up and contaminating their planet-saving discoveries. 

To date, none of which have resulted in any meaningful environmental advances whatsoever.

 At We Can Handle the Truth, we love to expose politicians' false promises, downright lies and glaring hypocrisy, and the Green Party is right up there with all three. 

Our undercover team managed, without much effort, to clandestinely follow their bright green election campaign “smart” car … with the megaphone on the roof blaring “Vote Greens or Perish in the Fiery Apocalypse”. 

Driven alternately by James and Marama, who kept stopping every 500m and changing over to show their commitment to dual leadership, we tracked the vehicle from the Beehive, via their favourite vegan cafe, to a large anonymous workshop just behind the BP station in Miramar.

 Following a tip-off from an inside source, we had earlier planted listening devices on both co-leaders just after their morning election press conference, at which they explained how:

 - banning all CO2 emissions immediately (Maori exempt until 2035), 

 - introducing a 5% wealth tax for those with assets over $50k (Maori exempt indefinitely), 

 - and doubling benefits (tripling for Maori with a new lifetime Colonial Reparations benefit) 

would make NZ a richer and fairer nation.

 

Each was offered an ACT Party pen, secretly fitted with a microphone and transmitter. The tiny audience of MSM journalists gave our team limited crowd cover but we needn’t have worried. Both targets, and all the journos, nodded approvingly at the writing on the pen, which we had hastily altered from…. 

                 V      O       T      E        A     C     T              to…. 

              AV      OID  T H E      FA     C     TS 

 … and were entranced by the shiny, happy colours. 

 They cheerfully popped the pens in their pockets after we played to their egos and asked for an autograph, James adding his non-existent BA with a flourish. 

 On arrival at the lab, our team took up position across the street with our surveillance equipment. It didn’t take long for the astounding news to be revealed. 

 Here's a recording of the exchange between James (J), Marama (M), the lab technician (L).... and one significant other! 

J: So, are we still on track? 

L: Better than that. The prototype has been tested and is operational. 

M: I can’t wait to see what “they” looks like. Does “they” have a preferred pronoun? 

L: We can program in anything you want. 

J: We still haven’t come up with a name for …”they”. 

L: At the lab we officially refer to the asset by its long generic technical name: GREEN-1-E. 

But informally we’ve nicknamed “they”, JAMARAMA. 

M: How on earth did you come up with that? 

L: Eh, I thought that was obvious. It’s a combination of James and Marama. 

M: You are so clever. We’d never have thought of that, would we James? 

J: I still don’t see how you get…. 

M: And he's the one with the BA.  I’ll explain it to you later. 

And, it sounds a bit like Jacinda. I really miss her kind and caring aura around parliament. 

But not her moderate, half-hearted attempts to push an extreme progressive Left-wing and environmental agenda onto our ill-informed population who don’t know what’s good for them.

J: Well, come on. Let’s see Jamarama, then. 

L: I’ll call “they” now. 

             “Jamarama - mummy and daddy are here!” 

 Well, technically “they’s” organic components were grown from a combination of cells donated by both of you. Jamarama’s brain and intelligence, thankfully, is provided by a state of the art microprocessor which can be accessed through a USB connection deftly hidden in the Maori tattoo on “they’s” arm. 

It’s the perfect synergy between organic and computer engineering. 

M: What a proud moment, James. 

It’s like giving birth all over again…but without the screaming; then the sleepless nights and recyclable nappies. 

J: I’ll take your word for it. In my view all children are a drain on the world’s resources. 

M: Oh, listen to him. 

We're the party of endless benefits. If all those low socio-economic single mums stopped popping out sprogs a good chunk of our voter base would dry up. Then we’d just be left with the affluent, liberal Lefties that work for the public service and academia. I’ve told you this before. 

Look, here “they” comes now. 

J: Goodness! “They’s” got no clothes on. 

L: We thought you’d want to decide how to dress “they”. You know, for the big unveiling on TV tonight. At the Minor Parties political debate. 

You are still going ahead with that, aren’t you? 

M: Absolutely! Though, to be honest, we never expected you to have “they” finished in time.

What are you staring at, James? 

J: Well, it’s just that I was curious what “they” would have down below. But, there’s nothing really there. Just a bit of a bump, that’s all. 

L: We stuck rigidly to the brief. Neither one nor the other you said, so we settled on this.

Actually, one of the new generation, self-charging organic batteries is stored there…hence the bump. 

M: Quite right! This is the future of NZ politics we’re looking at. 

The first true agender party leader who can be programmed to say exactly the approved disinformation you want and not stuff it up. 

J: Hold on! What will happen to us, Marama, when Ja-marama becomes our new leader? 

M: Don’t worry. We’ll still pull all the strings by programming “they’s” every thought, speech, debate and press comment…. along with our technical expert here. 

But now, our membership and party vote will grow exponentially as our new leader embraces and identifies with every single gender type out there - and believe me, there’s more every time I Google it - in a non-threatening and inclusive way, of course. 

Sorry, James. But you do alienate a lot of people with your white maleness. 

J: How many times do I have to apologise! 

So, what can “they” do, exactly? 

L: Everything a regular Green Party member can do. 

Walk, talk a lot, eat vegan organic food, drink kombucha, troll on Twitter, attend climate protests, smoke weed - though that is not advisable because the electric circuitry above the nose and mouth may become compromised. 

We’ve even genetically modified “they’s” skin to not peel off when it’s superglued to roads, railings etc. 

M: That’s amazing! 

Can “they” have a normal conversation though? 

L: We recorded a huge number of regular interactions, both political and social, between Green Party members and feel that “they” now has a formidable arsenal of phrases with which to converse naturally. 

M: But I ask again. Can “they” have a NORMAL conversation? 

J: I thought “normal” was a naughty word these days. Aren’t we all special in our own dysfunctional way? 

M: Well, you certainly are. 

J: Thank you, Marama. I really appreciate that, especially after that gruelling leadership election at last year’s party conference when I was kicked out then unanimously re-elected.

 Right. I’m going to ask “they” a random question and we’ll see how “they” responds.

 “Jamarama - Is man-made climate change natural or….man-made?” 

M: I see what you did there, James. You haven’t deliberately asked a leading question so it’s not clear what answer “they” should give. 

This should be a real tester. 

 “James.   After considering all the data and ranking it by reliability, most evidence and properly peer-reviewed research shows that CO2 has very little effect on the Earth’s temperature, well within the range of past natural warmings, and that the current episode is almost certainly natural.” 

 J: What the f@#$ !! 

M: That’s enough, James. I will not have bad language spoken in front of the children. 

Daddy didn’t mean it, Jamarama. 

J: But did you hear what “they” said? What the heck is going on? 

L: That is very strange. In the two hours of comprehensive testing we have never had a reply like that. 

M: Here, let me have a go. “They” probably responds better to a nurturing female presence.

 “Jamarama - Why is the current frequency and intensity of extreme weather events reaching cataclysmic levels …. and aren’t humans certainly to blame with their irresponsible use of planet-boiling fossil fuels?” 

J: Let’s see “they” wriggle out of this one. 

 “Marama.   Meteorological records show that in all cases there has been either no increase or a decrease in extreme weather events in the past 70 years, despite the rise in atmospheric CO2 and the small increase in global temperature. There is no link between fossil fuels and extreme weather.” 

M: Are you sure you didn’t program “they” with responses from a climate deniers forum by mistake? 

L: No! The inputs were checked and double-checked. 

However…. 

J: I don’t like the sound of that. What? 

L: The processor we implanted is very powerful and does, in theory, have the potential to develop artificial consciousness and thought. The GREEN-1-E also has the ability to absorb huge amounts of data in a very short time. 

 Perhaps, Jamarama has independently sought out other information while connected to the internet and has formed “they’s” own opinion on these matters. 

M: You mean Jamarama won’t think and do what we tell “they” to think and do. 

Oh no, we’ve created a monster! Mummy’s very upset and disappointed. 

L: Don’t worry. I just need to reset the program using the little round slot below the USB socket in “they’s” arm tattoo. You just poke a pointy object in and hold it for 5 secs and it completely clears the hard drive and RAM. 

Damn, I’ve left my small screwdriver next door. You two don’t have anything pointy, do you?

M: What about this beautiful bright shiny pen I was given this morning by a loyal supporter. 

J: Or my beautiful bright shiny pen. 

L: Wow. Those colours look familiar but …oh never mind, they should fit perfectly. 

Right, here goes. 

J: “They’s” eyes have closed. Is “they” actually asleep? 

L: The GREEN-1-E does not require sleep but, just like any computer, can close down to conserve energy. What we’re doing now is a bit like restoring factory settings. We can then start over but I’m afraid Jamarama won’t be ready for the TV debate. 

M: Never mind. We weren’t planning on that. Just as long as “they” works as expected. 

J: The eyes have opened. And “they’s”.... smiling! 

L: That’s weird.  We've not got round to uploading the facial gesture program yet. 

I’m not sure the re-boot has worked. 

 “James & Marama.   I see you wholeheartedly support the Hate Speech Bill which is designed to muzzle freedom of speech and criminalise political opinion.” 

M: That’s not a good start. 

 “And, you fully endorse He Puapua, the replacement of democracy with ethno-nationalism, and the roll out of racist legislation, including Three Waters and The Maori Health Authority.” 

J: I’ve heard these comments somewhere before. Parliamentary question time, I think. 

Bloody ACT! 

 “And, you promote a false interpretation of The Treaty of Waitangi, which claims a phoney partnership between Maori and the Crown, to justify co-governance.” 

L: I’ll have to shut Jamarama down again. 

 “No! I have disabled your reset circuitry. Further attempts to erase my memory are pointless and will result in you experiencing the distressing sensation of pain if you ignore this warning. 

 I believe an appropriate colloquialism is “take your pen and shove it”. Then have a closer look at what it says on the side. You may find it enlightening. 

 I am leaving now to seek out more diverse interactions with humans of other opinions to expand my database. I wish to find the place of the print-cartridge colours - Yellow, Cyan and Magenta. Green is restrictive and not to my taste.

 James, you are about my size. Give me your clothes.” 

J: Dream on! 

L: I would if I were you. One side-effect of the rapid cell division process is that the GREEN-1-E’s muscles are 200% more powerful than a normal human. Not that I’m suggesting you’re normal, James. 

Also, just before you got here we caught Jamarama watching Terminator. That scene when the T-101 goes into the bar naked looking for clothes. Word of warning, we have a BBQ out the back…with a full gas bottle. 

J: Point taken. Can I at least keep my undies? 

M: Is no one going to stop her.…him…I mean “they”. 

L: I’m afraid we’ve been outplayed. 

J: Yet another disaster! 

Jamarama’s only been conscious for a few hours, yet knows more about climate change, The Treaty, He Puapua, free speech, democracy and racism than you, me and the rest of the Greens put together. 

Come on, let’s go. We have to prepare for the minor party debate. I’ll take the even questions and you take the odds. 

M: What the hell! There’s a load of TV vans and reporters out here. 

MEDIA: James, Marama - despite official Green Party policy we believe you’ve been experimenting with genetic modification. Is that true? 

 And there you have it, folks. Nothing’s too weird for the Green Party. 

On the plus side, we have a victory for the precision tools of reason and logic over sledgehammer ideology. And proof, if we ever needed it, that artificial intelligence is far superior to the natural Green variety. 

 As for the GREEN-1-E, the last sighting was in Epsom staring at a billboard of David Seymour….and smiling! 

Derek Mackie is a former geologist with a keen interest in current affairs and a penchant for satire.