Derek Mackie: The Main Event - Clash of the Chris'

And now, ladies and gentlemen...and those in a neutral corner. The fight you’ve all been waiting for. 

 

The NZ General Election Boxing Championship Lightweight Leadership contest between....

 

...in the red corner - the current champion - undefeated, but only because he’s unelected -

         Chris - the bread-and-butter badass - Hipkins 

 ... and in the blue corner - in his first fight as a pro, so technically undefeated - the challenger -

        Chris - wide a-woke and ain’t no joke - Luxon 

Yes, we’re in for a pugilist’s parliamentary punch-up, and no mistake, friends. 

Word of warning, though. When the ring lights come on, get your sunnies ready. These guys will dazzle you with their lily-white skin, never mind their boxing skills. 

        Let’s get ready to rumbl-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-le! 

        Ding, ding! 

 Round 1:  “Please, can both of you stop saying “point of order, Mr Speaker” and just hit the other one.”  

 Round 2:  “When the bell rings, that's your signal to get up and start swinging, not to check on your poll ratings.” 

 Round 3:  “These guys need Sat Nav to find each other. They’re too busy posturing to the crowd rather than engaging in any meaningful action. Just like their day jobs.” 

 Round 4: “The ring girls holding up the round numbers have got bigger biceps than our two combatants and are a lot less tough on the eyes.” 

 Round 5:  “I’ve seen harder hits in shadow boxing. This pair would struggle to win a round against their punch-bag. 

Folks, we’re desperately unlucky to be witnessing the fumble-and-the bungle tonight.” 

 Round 6:  “The crowd just rang the police to report these two for loitering with intent.”

 Round 7:  “There’s more action getting to the bar than there is in the ring tonight, people. Believe me, I’ve been ….several times, and I’ve got the bruises to prove it.” 

 Round 8: “This is woeful. I’d rather watch the thriller-in-the-chiller down at the local morgue. And those guys have been knocked out stone dead and won’t ever beat the count.”

 Round 9: “The ref has thrown in the towel. I don’t blame him. The bar’s that way, mate.”

 Start of Round 10:  “Well, thank God it's the final round. They're still neck and neck on points...both have scored zero on my card! 

This is certainly the worst fight I’ve ever witnessed, featuring two of the most inept opponents you’d ever have the pleasure of being threatened by in a dark alley in downtown Wellington.

 Will we see a last minute knock-out? Only if one of them trips over their stool and is too slow to get their hands up before they hit the canvas. Based on their reactions so far, it’s a distinct possibility.” 

 In the Red Corner 

“I don’t understand it. You were so good in training.” 

“When I was sitting at my desk talking about the contest and playing Fight Night on my laptop, you mean?” 

“It all seemed believable in theory…kind of. Yet once again, you’ve vastly over-promised but under-delivered.” 

“I thought that was official Labour government policy.” 

“You've barely tried using the ring skills I taught you. All those underhand moves and rabbit punches I saw at the gang conference we held on the marae.” 

“These gloves are so heavy I can hardly lift my arms up. Maybe I should peel off that Maori tattoo you stuck on my forearm to lighten the load.” 

“You have to play dirty. Believe me, I do it all the time. 

 Just one vicious illegal punch is all we need. Hit him where it hurts. Below the belt.” 

“I've tried that but he just smiles knowingly at me.” 

“Use both hands together and then give him the old Mike Tyson.” 

“Bite his ear, you mean?” 

“I was thinking lower down. Nobody’s coming back from that.” 

“What! You can't be serious.” 

“I want to see those sharp little nippers slicing into his...”

“Yep, I'm going to gag.”

“....elastic waistband.  Sending his shorts, and his chance of winning, down to the floor.  He'll be defenceless - unable to run and with his guard down.... between his legs.”

“Oh, I thought you wanted me to bite his ...." 

“JUST DO IT!” 

“If you say so.....Nanaia!” 

 In the Blue Corner 

“I think it’s going pretty well, don’t you?” 

“Jesus wept! Wide a-woke and ain't no joke, my ass! Everyone’s jeering you.” 

“Same thing happens when I leave the RNZ, One News and TV3 studios after a media interview. I’m so used to it, I barely notice.” 

“You haven’t even registered a near miss yet. Last year, an asteroid came closer to hitting Earth than your attempts at chinning him. 

This is the final round. Let’s see some mongrel from you.” 

“But if I hurt him the media will accuse me of white supremacist domination.” 

“He’s white too, you know…under the freckles. And that tattoo’s a fake. That just makes it a disagreement amongst work colleagues from the same ethnic underclass. This shows most of the public you can be just like one of them. 

Anyway, he’s already punched you where it hurts.” 

“Funny, I didn’t feel much at all. It was strangely invigorating in a warm and fuzzy kind of way.” 

“Ah, that explains the smile. I thought you must have steel kahunas, but maybe you just don’t have …..” 

“Hold on! If it’s a draw then we could both win and form a grand coalition.” 

“Right, I’m rapidly losing patience with you. Here, slip this spanner inside your glove and clobber him. 

NOW!” 

“If you say so …..Nicola!” 

 Ding, ding! Final round! 

Derek Mackie is a former geologist with a keen interest in current affairs and a penchant for satire.