Derek Mackie: Jacinda's "Field" of Dreams

I’m baa-aack!!!!

 

In the public eye, if not on home soil. Sorry to disappoint. 

I won’t ask if you’ve missed me - we both know the answer to that. The question would likely prompt an uncontrolled and deep felt outburst of raw emotion on your part which would only embarrass us both. 

I’m too empathetic to inflict that on you. 

 Yes Aotearoa, after what seems like an eternity of 18 months in the top-tier academic trenches, fighting the evils of right-wing misinformation; getting down-and dirty in the luxury pile carpets of Harvard, I am once again returning to the world stage, where I Left-ly belong. 

 It’s been so hard for me squirrelled away from my adoring public in a beautifully appointed, elite Ivy League office; mobbed, in a good way, between lectures by the brightest and best young minds that neo-Marxism has lovingly moulded, twisted and propagandised. 

I’ve tried unsuccessfully to hide my dazzling red light under a huge, Grant Robertson wellbeing budget-sized bushel of inspired ideological, cherry-picked research assertions; unhindered by the shackles of supporting data; scrupulously peer reviewed by my independent and zealously loyal team; and clearly and unequivocally demonstrating the dire threat climate deniers, hate speech addicts and extremist non-progressive socialists and right-wingers pose to planetary harmony and global progress. 

 Immensely valuable as my academic endeavours have been, it’s time for me to step back into the limelight and provide that much needed beacon of hope to a deeply divided, misguided and distrustful world. 

God - and I say that purely as a figure of speech with no personal religious connotations whatsoever - I’ve missed it. 

And talking of “global progress”, it allows me to segue perfectly into my latest crusade for the hearts and minds of all the world’s citizens…. those worth saving at any rate. 

 Hosted by…. Global Progress, today I’m announcing my new fellowship programme for political leaders of a progressive persuasion. 

It’s called Field. 

Why, I hear you ask; and I’ll tell you…. eventually…but not until I’ve shamelessly promoted my unique set of attributes which make me the obvious woman to lead this crucial learning opportunity. 

 Field is all about kindness and empathy, something I excel in. It’s for like-minded politicians; that’s to say strong, determined people who can think exactly the same way and believe exactly the same things; and value, above all else, the groupthink approach …. even when pesky, so-called facts get in the way. 

Field teaches pragmatic idealism…or just idealism really, since pragmatism can be a major handbrake to achieving your key objectives, as I found out through first-hand experience in my previous life as a beloved world leader. 

Field creates a nurturing environment which encourages leaders to speak to their people with hope and optimism, not fear and blame, even in the darkest times when their own policies have led to economic and social ruin. Again, something I specialise in. 

Field is part of my ongoing mission to help rehumanise leadership and well, just be useful. 

 But enough about me. No really, I insist. 

 So, why call it Field? 

Could it be because it aspires to provide a blank canvas for a wide cross-section of Left-wing ideas; in other words to be as big, broad…and vacant as a newly ploughed barren field?

Possibly. 

Or because ideas will germinate, sprout and grow, like crops in a field…to be cut down, threshed and 100% organically processed until only the superior, ideologically modified strains remain? 

Probably. 

 Or, could it be something even more inspirational? Thank you for asking - yes, it could. 

I called it Field because, to me, this ground-breaking programme represents…. 

                     ….. my Field of Dreams. 

 A forum that concentrates progressive thought and potentially produces something truly world changing…or, at the very least, hopefully just produces something. 

 Despite being based at Harvard, I’ve decided to begin my programme in Europe which has the greatest density of progressives. They’re so dense there that the first 12-month course is massively over-subscribed. 

I hate to turn the easily led away and it pains me to see all those eager but disappointed faces denied the benefit of my wisdom and vision, but smaller groups enabling one-on-one sessions are critical to engendering the right atmosphere of kindness and empathy. 

And high demand will increase the fees of subsequent courses which will allow me to fund even more valuable progressive research and my ever-growing travel commitments and other miscellaneous expenses. 

 But you should never stop thinking outside the box.  

As I learnt during the pandemic lockdowns and my ostracisation of the unvaccinated, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind; and apathy can be a far better strategy than empathy when faced with the tedious wailing that accompanies loss of rights and freedoms endured by non-conformers and attention-seeking protest groups that you deliberately victimised for challenging your pragmatic ideology. 

 Field is my unique solution to fixing our rotten capitalist political system and all the social woes and inequities it has spawned. And like man-made climate change, it is firmly founded in incontrovertible facts, not just robust theory and modelling; as the citizens of my beloved homeland know only too well, having enjoyed 5 years of kindness, caring, wellbeing and empathy re-education. 

This effective pilot study in Aotearoa, prior to global roll-out, has been an overwhelming success.  It certainly proved overwhelming for a significant group of our less radical and, dare I say it, conservative citizens. 

But I can declare the patient still alive, pumped full of wellbeing, although breathing a little erratically ….but no longer in need of life-support. 

Inclusively richer, ethnically and gender enlightened, and shamed where appropriate; though financially significantly poorer. 

A small price to pay, I believe, for a country now swimming in empathy and with a healthy sense of entitlement…. that I no longer choose to live in. 

 It just remains to say that I am truly humbled by my genius in creating Field and excited by the platform it provides, allowing me to showcase my natural talents to a world desperate for nothing more than a big hug and a kind smile. 

 Yours Jacinda 

Derek Mackie is a former geologist with a keen interest in current affairs and a penchant for satire.