Derek Mackie: Jacinda's New Year resolutions

Jacinda’s Diary - 1 January 2023 

 As an ex-comrade and fellow socialist in the media recently wrote, last year was my Annus Horribilis. 

Not a pleasant phrase, particularly if you mis-pronounce the first word, but one made popular by her late Majesty, the Queen. A lady I had the utmost respect for, even if she symbolised all the things I detest and want to abolish. 

 2022 was a year which started so well but ended so badly. People I thought were my friends started to turn against me. I’ll name no names but you know who you are. 

And there were a number of unfortunate incidents which gave the impression that I was either ignorant, misinformed (what a cheek! - as if I don’t know what misinformation is), incompetent, or that dreadful word - a liar. 

 I don’t want to go into all that again, but suffice to say, some of my closest colleagues have been a thorn in my side. 

I can be loyal to a fault, and that is my only flaw. In hindsight, I should have been tougher and, dare I say it, less kind. 

 The opinion polls have been particularly depressing. Labour dropping over 20 points in the Party Vote. 

But, I am still the most popular PM which clearly shows that the many failings of my administration cannot be laid at my door. I’ve been badly let down by all the people who I lead and report directly to me. 

 Enough self-pity, Jacinda. Come on girl. Let’s do this! 

So, I am going to make some resolutions for 2023 which will reverse my decline and restore my political career to its zenith. 

I’m in charge, after all. 

 1/ Sack Nanaia. 

 Well, demote her....a bit.  She’s made a dog’s breakfast of the whole Three Waters campaign - or is it Five Waters? AND, she went behind my back with the entrenchment provision, which made me look like a fool. 

 She maintains I was at the Cabinet meeting when it was discussed but I have no recollection of it. I do sometimes slip my ear-buds in when things get boring and listen to the UN and WEF debates instead, or recordings of my speeches at the International Union of Socialist Youth - those were the days. 

 But I pay the Sign Language Interpreter (yes, we have one at Cabinet meetings to show we’re inclusive, even though nobody is deaf, well not physically) to wave her arms around a lot and stare at me when something important comes up so I can re-engage.  It is hard to tell whether she's interpreting for Willie or trying to get my attention.

 So, I’ll take Local Government off Nanaia, but she can keep Foreign Affairs, where she’s pretty useless anyway. I don’t think she knows the way to Auckland airport! 

She’ll be spitting tacks but I can send her overseas on a 6-month trade mission so she can’t glare menacingly at me. 

 2/ Sack the Sign Language Interpreter. 

 Nanaia may just be telling the truth and if there's one thing I won't tolerate it's incompetence in the workplace.  She has to go.  I’m nothing if not thorough. 

 3/ Work on my public image. 

 I have become very wary of public appearances and even staged media interviews. It all used to be so nice with everyone saying how wonderful I was and asking my advice on how to fix things, even if I didn’t really know what I was talking about. 

Now I get shouted at when I go outside and interviews have hard questions which I usually don’t know the answer to, so I pick something else to talk about instead. 

 So, a lot more protection officers on my school visits and a police riot squad in reserve just in case I encounter some “deplorables” or angry schoolkids.  Trevor taught me how to manage a protest. 

And, another $55 million to my mates in the MSM to put our friendship on a firmer footing. For starters anyway. 

 4/ Rein in the Maori Caucus. 

Resolution one is the first step. But Willie also needs to be shown who’s boss. 

He got very aggressive in that interview about the TVNZ/RNZ merger with Jack on Q & A. That did not go down well and I reprimanded him over it. He had the nerve to accuse me of racist behaviour and white colonialism, as though I was just any other Pakeha. 

 I have to be careful because the Maori Caucus does wield a lot of power and influence and if the rest of the Cabinet goes against them they perform a haka until we give in. While culturally enlightening and spiritually uplifting, this can be very intimidating. 

 That’s when I slip my ear-buds in but it looks remarkably similar in Sign Language as well. 

 So, take Broadcasting & Media off him but leave him with Maori Development. Otherwise Willie will start his own parliamentary protest. 

 5/ Network and update my CV. 

Wish Helen a happy new year and get the latest UN gossip. Find out if the General Secretary is thinking of retiring early due to ill health. 

Touch base with Klaus in Geneva and see if he has any pointers to control the masses and keep them in their place. 

 As for updating my CV, that’s something I do every year. I never have to use it but I’m a very practical person and believe you should always prepare for the unexpected. And, I’m also a realist and know that not everything goes exactly to plan. 

Of course, I don’t need to start looking for a new job because after my resolutions are acted on I will be re-elected for a third term and can continue my vision to completely change Aotearoa into a modern, progressive, separatist state. 

 Happy New Year everyone! 

Derek Mackie is a geologist with a keen interest in current affairs.