Derek Mackie: Bully for you!

P: Paul Pittov-Trooth 

G: Dr Guarav Bad-Karma 

K: Kieran McNumpty 

P: Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie to You. The nation’s top political talk show, where we certainly can handle the truth and love nothing more than delving deep into government-labelled “misinformation”. 

 I’m Paul Pittov-Trooth, filling in for Art Ful-Kwizzer who’s on leave, recharging his mental health batteries after interviewing one too many egotistical, ideological half-wits who think they can run this country. 

The Will E Jackson gig last week likely tipped him over the edge! 

Art’s currently enjoying a luxury tour of all the great former European colonial powers and doing some genealogy research while he’s at it. 

 For my first show I’m starting off big, hosting two guests for the price of one, metaphorically speaking. Because we sure as hell wouldn’t pay these people to spout the load of old mouthwash they typically deal in. 

Both interviewees are former Labour Party colleagues who’ve been in the spotlight for fighting in the playground and name-calling. Tonight we’ve persuaded them to attempt a reconciliation, but it’ll likely end in tears…with any luck! 

 Firstly, we have Guarav Bad-Karma, the recently expelled Labour MP, who was jettisoned like a piece of space junk from the out-of-control rocket ship, NZ Uranus, crewed by Captain Ardern and the Labour Caucus and heading for deep space…and hopefully a dirty great black hole. 

 Secondly, we have Guarav’s nemesis, Kieran McNumpty, the former chief whip and parliamentary bully-boy - mentored by Big Trev himself (now chief bully to Ireland) - who “allegedly” keeps the Labour grunts in line and doles out the punishment rations when required. 

Which, if the newly ostracised free-faller’s claims are to be believed, is pretty much all the time. 

 Guarav has chosen to sit behind a screen during our interview to protect his “well-being” and sensitive nature from big, bad Kieran. 

I also requested a screen…. to stop me having to look at both of them. But my producer told me to harden up, sort my shit out and start earning my outrageous salary. Sounds like bullying to me. I love it!! 

So, without further ado, let’s wade into the swamp and see what primitive life-forms we can find. 

P: Guarav, welcome to the show and congrats on being kind-and-caringly kicked out of the Labour Party. 

G: Thank you, Paul. 

I’m used to being addressed as Doctor Bad-Karma but I’m happy to make an exception on your show. 

P: That’s just as well, because I absolutely refuse to use pretentious titles when interviewing MPs I’d only heard of a couple of weeks ago. It just inflates their already zeppelin-sized egos and makes for an even longer fart when they inevitably implode. 

So, now we’ve cleared that misunderstanding up to my satisfaction -

Guarav, you allege that bullying is rife in the Labour Party and is condoned by senior ministers, including the PM. Correct? 

G: Absolutely, Paul. 

I was subjected to a sustained campaign of bullying and intimidation when I raised serious issues about staff members working for me in my constituency. When I attempted to take my concerns higher up, including to Jacinda Ardern, I was stonewalled and humiliated for being disloyal to the Party. 

P: That’s simply not fair because you have been a loyal Labour MP, Guarav.

•  You voted to abolish the rights of ratepayers to initiate a referendum on Maori seats. 
• You voted in favour of our Disneyland History Curriculum, which gives our schoolchildren a completely false account of our nation’s history. 
• You voted to give Ngai Tahu unelected seats on Canterbury Regional Council. 
• You voted in favour of two health systems based on race. 

And, you are fully supportive of Three Waters and co-governance, aren’t you? 

G: Exactly, Paul. I am 100% behind Labour’s progressive agenda. 

P: Mmmm. I can feel my sympathy for you ebbing away like an outgoing tsunami! 

So, who was the main instigator of this bullying? 

G: K..K..Kieran     McN…N…N… I can’t say his name. My nerves are shot! 

P: Let me say it for you. Kieran McNumpty - former Chief Whip. 

Is that correct, Guarav? 

G: Y..Y…Yes. 

P: Well, I can see this appears to have had a profound effect on your mental wellbeing…or you’re just a good actor! 

Please, take as long as you need to compose yourself. While you’re doing that, behind the wafer-thin screen we’ve erected to “protect” you, I want to welcome Kieran McNumpty to the show. 

G: Oh God! 

P: Use the paper bag, Guarav, like we discussed. Over the nose and mouth, deep breaths….just like a face-mask. 

You’re a doctor, you’ll figure it out! 

K: Paul, it’s a pleasure to be here. I love talk-shows. It’s a great opportunity to spread Labour’s message of hope for a new, exciting, socialist Aotearoa-New Zealand that we’re trying to build. 

P: Trying is the right word, Kieran, in every respect. 

As for hope, the opinion polls seem to be indicating that what most Kiwis are hoping for is a new government in 2023. 

K: Just a speedbump, Paul. All second-term governments experience some ups-and-downs. 

P: You lot seem to specialise in “downs”. 

The last “up” for Labour was when the country caught Covid. Was that part of your message of hope? 

K: Look here, you piece of…. 

P: That was quick! I know I’m good but I honestly thought it would take a lot more baiting than that to get you to lose the rag. 

Your rather ugly response does seem to back up Guarav’s claims against you, Kieran. 

K: Rubbish! I’ve tried reaching out to Guarav but he won’t return my calls…or emails. I want nothing more than to resolve these alleged issues in a respectful way but what can you do if the other party refuses to engage?

Kind of makes you suspicious that all his claims are spurious. 

P: What do you say to that, Guarav? 

K: Is he hiding behind the screen? 

Come out Guarav, wherever you are! 

G: I agreed to come on this show only if I didn’t have to face you, McNumpty. I will not put myself through the same mental trauma you inflicted on me before. 

K: I’ve got no idea what he’s talking about. 

Guarav, mate. Come out and sit beside me. Just like old times in the Chief Whip’s Office. 

G: NO! Keep away from me you bullying bastard! 

P: Woo, hoo! Entertaining as this is, I need to move on. 

So, “gentlemen”, here’s my next question. 

 Guarav, you claim that other Labour MPs have come to you with similar disturbing accounts of bullying and, indeed, some even pretended to contract Covid so they wouldn’t have to attend parliament. That can’t be true…can it? 

G: That is true. 

Many Labour MPs are in the same boat as myself but none are willing to take the brave, selfless stand that I have. I don’t resent them because I know they’re scared. 

P: Of losing their highly paid jobs and all expenses paid trips to Wellington? 

G: Well, of course job security is part of it, but I believe the main factor is fear of the Party machine. 

K: Honestly, Guarav. This is verging on paranoia! 

No wonder our glorious PM expressed deep concern for your mental health. If I had realised you were in such a bad way I would’ve ensured you got one-on-one counselling. 

G: We both know what that really means, McNumpty. 

Making me wait like a naughty schoolboy for hours outside your office. Then not turning up for our meeting. 

Leaning over me in discussions. Invading my personal space. Berating me for turning on the Party. Calling me names. 

P: Sounds like classic bullying to me. Did you blast loud music and turn a hose on him as well, Kieran? 

K: More unfounded accusations. He’s got no proof. It’s all a figment of his badly disturbed imagination. 

P: Is it? So everything’s fine and dandy in Labour Party Land? 

K: Look, Paul. Every party has minor disputes between MPs. 

Parliament is a place of rigorous debate and a contest of ideas. We don’t always agree but there is no culture of bullying and intimidation. 

P: Hold on. I thought getting rid of debate and alternative views by labelling them hate speech was part of your “new, improved New Zealand”.

And you’ve paid the MSM to follow the Labour line and selectively report on issues which paint a favourable, one-eyed picture to the public. 

When was the last time you saw a negative story about Saint Jacinda? 

K: I take exception to… 

P: Moving on! 

 Guarav, you claim to have evidence that Labour MPs have been required to attend courses which teach them not to put contentious issues or problems in writing to Ministers so as to avoid Official Information Act (OIA) paper trails. And that some employees have two contracts, one with Ministerial Services and another with Parliamentary Services, the latter being exempt from OIA requests. They simply change hats to avoid scrutiny. Surely not? 

G: That again is absolutely true and shows the degree of deceit and deception that the Labour Party has stooped to. 

For me, my country will always come first. But for senior Labour ministers, including your other guest, the Party comes before the country and must be protected at all costs. 

P: Based on your “loyalty to the Party” answer, I have huge doubts about your commitment to putting the country first. 

Perhaps you could use this whole unfortunate episode to review your own warped, racist and divisive political beliefs. 

Just a suggestion! 

K: You two should start a conspiracy theory website. 

P: I think Guarav already has. It’s called Facebook. Have you seen his latest post? 

K: What bollocks is it this time? 

P: It’s a recording he made in your office when you were imparting your views on his “disappointing” performance as an MP. 

Your language is so bad we can’t play it on TV. 

K: Is this true, Bad-Karma? 

Come out from behind that screen you snivelling weasel. 

G: Yes, it’s true and now New Zealand can see, and hear you for what you are. 

K: You treacherous little shit! 

P: Now, Kieran! Before you do anything rash remember you’re on live TV and I will insist we film the whole thing. 

But don’t let that stop you. In fact, I hope it doesn’t. 

K: I’m not stupid enough to flush my political career down the pan.

Wouldn’t matter anyway, Jacinda always looks after her own. Look at Trev!

 I’ll be waiting for you in the underground car park, Guarav. 

P: Sounds like a threat, Kieran. 

K: No. I’m just confirming our meeting later to….discuss things. 

P: What a firecracker of a show it’s been tonight, folks! 

The tawdry revelations can only have confirmed your very low expectations of Beehive behaviour and standards. 

Bullying, mud-slinging, intimidation and threats - no, you’ve not been watching House of Cards. This is the real thing - New Zealand style. 

We can all sleep fitfully in our beds tonight knowing that the country’s being run by the Fenn Street gang from Please, Sir. 

P: Guarav, you can leave now if you like, in fact I strongly recommend it.

G: Show’s over? I’m out of here! 

P: Kieran, before you go I’d like to talk about Three Waters and the work you’re doing with local councils, if that’s alright. 

K: I'd be happy to discuss it, in private, now that punch-bag, Bad-Karma’s, wriggled away and you’ve stopped filming. 

P: Please, after you. 

K: In fact, I’ve been authorised to approach you with a very attractive proposition. 

Paul, let me ask you. Are you part-Maori? 

P: No. 

K: Not even a smidgen? 

P: Not even 1/512th. 

K: That’s a real pity. Because if you were, Three Waters is a great scheme to “buy into” right now and all future losses are covered by the taxpayer. 

Of course, we’d expect something in return, along the lines of favourable media coverage and flattering interviews. 

P: I’m NOT interested! 

K: Hear me out. I’ve a mate who, for a very large fee, will “research” your family history and guarantee to find some Tangata Whenua in there. 

Then bingo, you’re in! Generous royalties, discounted water rates, the full Labour benefits package. 

P: You do realise, McNumpty, that we’re still on air and you’ve just tried to bribe me? 

K: Aw, for f#%$’s sake!! You told me we were done! 

P: No. I think you’ll find, when I play the tape back, that you assumed we were. 

Never mind. I’m sure your Commander-in-Chief will see you right. An ambassador’s appointment maybe….to Haiti! 

 GUARAV! Run faster! I can’t talk to this reprobate any longer.

 

K: Big Mac’s coming for you, Bad-Karma. I’m gonna give you the worst chinese burn you’ve ever had then steal your lunch money! 

Derek Mackie is a geologist with a keen interest in current affairs.