Steven Mark Gaskell: A Week in the Glorious People’s Republic of Aotearoa Formerly New Zealand.

A Week in the Glorious People’s Republic of Aotearoa Formerly New Zealand. (If Labour, the Greens, and Te Pāti Māori win in 2026)

Monday — Redistribution Day
The new government kicks off the week by announcing that anyone who still has a job will be required to hand over 80% of their income for “Community Equity Realignment.” Public servants assure workers this is “not a tax” but a “compulsory contribution to collective happiness.” Meanwhile, those who haven’t worked in years receive a new “Universal Kia Ora Benefit” with free Netflix, vape subsidies, and complimentary electric scooters. The Finance Minister warns that GDP may drop “slightly,” but reminds everyone “money is a colonial construct anyway.”

Tuesday — Crime Compassion Hour
The new “Justice with Aroha” programme launches, abolishing prison sentences for anything short of full scale treason (and even that’s negotiable if you bring a koha). Armed robbers are given supermarket vouchers to “address economic root causes,” and police are retrained as “Community Apology Facilitators.” Crime statistics improve dramatically, mainly because crime is no longer counted as crime. Victims are encouraged to write letters of forgiveness, which are then graded for cultural sensitivity.

Wednesday — Infrastructure Decommissioning Ceremony
Roading projects are halted immediately, because cars are “planet-killers” and asphalt is “an imported colonial substance.” The Transport Minister unveils a bold plan for waka-only motorways and high-speed cycling lanes that collapse in heavy rain. Meanwhile, the electricity grid is replaced with solar panels made from recycled iPhones, and power is rationed unless you’re in the “Culturally Significant Zones,” where the lights never go out.

Thursday — Pro-Māorification Mandate
All government departments are renamed in te reo Māori, with English translations banned under the “Linguistic Sovereignty Act.” If you can’t pronounce the new names correctly, you’re fined and sent to compulsory reo classes. Public broadcasters play nothing but kapa haka contests and Green Party poetry slams. The National Anthem is rewritten to include 45 verses of iwi genealogy, and must be sung before all public gatherings including supermarket queues.

Friday — People’s Economy Festival
The Reserve Bank declares capitalism over and introduces the “Kōha Credit,” which can only be spent on locally sourced flax baskets and tofu. Private property is “transitioned” into community hands, and anyone with a spare room must house government-approved guests “in the spirit of whanaungatanga.” Inflation hits 80%, but the Finance Minister insists this is “a sign of economic vibrancy.”

Saturday — Truth & Reconciliation in the Workplace
Businesses are required to hold weekly “Colonial Truth Circles,” where employees apologise for historical injustices before they can start their shifts. Employers must pay time and a half for these circles, though actual work hours are reduced to four per week to ensure “emotional sustainability.” Productivity collapses, but the Minister for Fairness calls this “an exciting experiment in post-productivist economics.”

Sunday — National Reflection & Restitution Day
The nation gathers for a seven hour broadcast of government leaders explaining how everything is going exactly to plan, despite empty supermarket shelves and power cuts. Citizens are encouraged to meditate on their privilege and reflect on how lucky they are to live in the “freest, fairest, and most culturally aligned country on Earth.” Criticism is permitted provided it’s submitted in triplicate to the Ministry of Kindness and approved by a Cultural Sensitivity Officer.

Steven is an entrepreneur and an ex RNZN diver who likes travelling, renovating houses, Swiss Watches, history, chocolate art and art deco.