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Friday, July 14, 2023

Kay O'Lacey: Satire - Nod to Maori Thought Leaders in Pre-Colonial Menu


In celebration of the upcoming Matariki holiday, prominent Christchurch restaurateur Dan Takenthepist has revealed a series of culinary delights based on meals popular with local savages prior to advent of colonialism and Christianity in New Zealand.

Dan speaks with passion about some of his new creations:

“Firstly; this project has not been without its challenges, with some popular Maori fare such as the mighty Moa being a bit hard to find these days.”

“We’ve stuck with mainstay dishes such as Long Pig cooked hangi-style. This is a “no-rush” form of cooking, taking more or less all day, but does infuse a distinct taste of soil into the half-cooked meat, so is well worth the wait”.

“In a nod to the Maori thought leaders in the current government who have bought so much to the country over the past six years, but disappointingly seem to have been ‘sidelined’ in the lead-up to the election, several of the newer dishes have been named in their honour.”

“Our ‘Nanaia Barracuda’ dish is a special take on the Surf’n Turf. While some see this fish as a most unattractive looking species, and is known to be a bit nippy, it’s delicious bled and smoked. Especially when complemented by our Long Pig as in this creation, it’s pure delight to the palette.”

“Next up is ‘Kelvin Gravies’ – more than a hint of old-World DNA in this favourite! Comprising selected cuts smothered with Kelvin’s secret creamy-sauce and green capers.”

“We have our ‘Willie + Jack Sauce’ – a smallish but tasty homemade pork-tasting sausage sold by the inch, infused with fennel. Garnished with plenty of fern roots, and a spicy sauce on the side”.

“Next-up are our Kina Allan; a very spiky seafood delicacy requiring expert handling. Not everyone’s favourite as is quite hollow without a lot of substance. Made up for by, er, well, let’s put it this way – you either love ‘em or hate ‘em! Thanks to Google reviewer Anonymous2357 for applauding this one.

“Finally; we’ve added what’s likely to be a favourite with the kids ‘Hippy Chippies’, a form of potato chip – yummy, but best taken in moderation (just look at Grant Robertson!), named after our Dear Leader” who has so much assisted Maori in their fight against colonisation these last few years.”

Kay O'Lacey regularly posts on Lampoon.NZ where this article was sourced

3 comments:

Kevn said...

Good work... Looking forward to page 2, the sausage roll and pie section.
Lots of scope for culinary ideas there.
I mean look at the amount of headlines just those two items create. Three politicians forever linked with those items.

Robert Arthur said...

It would be interesting to know more of the pre European influence diet. Without pigs, potatoes, ceramic or metal containers, must have been limited, and need a lot of firewood. No metal axes.
To prepare and wait for a hangi to cook the numbers devoured in some conquests must have required a degree of restraint seldom evident today. Possibly much direct heating was adopted (With a life expectancy of 35 or so no worry about cancer from char. If maori had casserole dishes, the colonists would have faced little surviving opposition) Little wonder they were not gross like the allegedly hard up waddling monster school pupils sucking on Coke and meat pies who I pass every day just before and after local school hours.

Anonymous said...

- a bit risky surely - ahem there's a very large ELEPHANT in the ro0m when referring to the pre-colonial diet - mine enemies!