“How appropriate! Another ministerial train-wreck in action. He better look contrite.
Damn, I forgot to check. His personal gender pronoun is still he, isn’t it?”
“Rather than they or ze, you mean? Yes, I believe so.
Although, the Minister does love to be seen embracing gender identity, and all other progressive causes for that matter, so you might want to cover your bases and just use it.”
“Screw that! He’ll take whatever pronoun I decide to give him and like it.
Is “smooth git” an acceptable pronoun? Don’t answer, I’m just trying to cheer myself up as the storm clouds gather over my brief time in office.
Send it in.”
----------------------------------
“Yo, Chris! How’s it hanging?
I’ve got some good news for you. Looks like you could use some.”
“Let me guess. You’re leaving politics immediately, and volunteering to fight in Ukraine?”
“Ouch, that hurt!
No. We’ve completed another 500m section of the national cycleway, and were only 50% over budget and six months over time. My new efficiency and productivity initiative is finally yielding results.”
“Are you deliberately trying to piss me off?
Sit down, you’re late. Just like your cycleway!”
“Bloody KiwiRail cancelled my train this morning. Straight after this, I’ll be giving the Chairman another bollocking. I don’t think he cares anymore.
So, bring on the dressing down and get me in the right mood.”
“Needless to say I’m very disappointed, Michael.”
“Well, that’s the standard benchmark for this administration so I’ll take it as a promising start.”
“No sooner do I put out one fire than another one erupts.
We had Nashy and his dodgy dealings as Police and Forestry Minister”
“Felled in his prime. Ha!”
“Kiri wading in with her size 11 Justice Minister boots and criticising RNZ because her significant other got passed over for a top job.”
“Does anyone really listen to that radio station? It’s so boring. All that mind-numbing political commentary.
I only tune in to my own interviews which are, of course, stellar.”
“And then Jan, interfering with the release of the shocking school attendance stats…then denying it in parliament.”
“Hey, it could be worse.”
“Oh, it is worse. Because of YOU!
You’ve been Transport Minister for the last three years and Minister for Auckland since February but you saw no problem holding shares in Auckland Airport. Does the term conflict of interest ring a bell?”
“Now, Chris. Hand on heart….”
“Your heart’s on the other side.”
“Is it?"
“Straight down from your brain and to the left. Do you want me to draw you a diagram?”
“Very funny.
But honestly, without a word of a lie, I completely forgot I had those. Bought them years back. They’ve been tucked away at the back of a drawer somewhere. It’s a mistake anyone could make.”
“Not someone who used to be Chief Whip and Deputy Leader of the House, surely. You should have been all over this.”
“The shares are worth stuff all. As soon as I realised, I instructed my broker to sell them.”
“Oh dear. You’re as good a liar as you are a Minister.
You had to be asked twelve times to sell them. Twelve times, Michael! How do you explain that?”
"I have a terrible short-term memory, especially for trivial details. I’m flat tack with all my portfolios and being in the public eye means I have to put a lot of time into my appearance so that I project a polished professional persona.
How’d you like my new $1000 suit, by the way? Sharp, or what. This tie-pin is 24-carat gold and these cufflinks are…”
“I don’t give a rat’s arse about your bling! Or your hair…or which cologne you’re wearing.
What I do care about is your conduct as a Minister of the Crown and how that reflects on my government and me personally.”
“Look, I’m sorry, OK! Is that what you want to hear?
I stuffed up…but no worse than anyone else. In fact, my transgression is minor compared to your earlier examples.
Anyway, surely holding shares in a national transport asset for someone in my role is demonstrating confidence in our transport policy and the country as a whole. That’s a good thing, right?
And it’s an airport so it directly complements immigration. There’s a certain synergy there.”
“So if KiwiRail or Waka Kotahi were private companies you’d invest in them too?”
“God, no! They’re useless.
Every time I leave for work it’s a toss-up between being stranded at a station on the Kapiti Coast or losing a wheel in a crater on SH1.”
“So you’re admitting you’ve failed in your position by presiding over two dysfunctional government transport entities?”
“Whoa! I didn’t say that.
The truth, Chris, is that I’ve been following your orders to pour sack loads of money into road safety advertising campaigns and alternative transport options, that hardly anyone uses, and Maori rebranding and bi-lingual road signs. Money that used to go into road and rail maintenance.”
“Are you saying you don’t share my progressive socialist vision for a better Aotearoa-New Zealand?”
“Absolutely not! I’m 100% behind you.
I’m just trying to explain that whenever fundamental democratic and social changes are forced on society there is always short-term, and almost certainly medium term pain before any long-term gain.
You can’t shoot the messenger, Chris.”
“I think we’re getting off track here. But this has been a worthwhile conversation, Michael. I’m satisfied we’re both on the same page, ideology wise, and you are a highly valued and competent member of my team."
“Shit, nobody’s ever called me competent before, Chris. I’m truly touched.
And hey, at this alarming cock-up rate there’s not going to be many of your team left soon, eh? Sorry, that was uncalled for.”
“As I was saying, I have to be seen to be firm and decisive. Something my predecessor lacked. So, you will lose the Transport portfolio.”
“Aw, that’s a bit harsh, I mean….”
“Hear me out. Temporarily.
You will be reinstated as soon as the shares are sold and you’ve made a formal apology to the House….AND, as long as no other political turds float to the surface in the meantime”
“Yeah, cool. No worries. Your secretary said as much before I came in.
I’ll start working on my speech now. The key is to appear to apologise for something you’ve obviously done wrong while making it clear you were never at fault.
I’m shit-hot at that.”
“I’m happy this matter has now been resolved to both our satisfaction. The public can rest assured that I have acted in a strong, fair and proportionate way, while retaining a skilled and able minister.”
“If you say so. Sounds good to me.
I find it’s better not to worry about what the public thinks. It’s a river of filth out there.
Now we can both carry on down the long and winding, pot-holed road of politics towards the next election ... .and hopefully beyond.”
“There are also a few immigration issues that I need to discuss….”
“Gotta go, Chris. I’ve a hair stylist’s appointment I can't miss. Later!”
Derek Mackie is a geologist with a keen interest in current affairs.
2 comments:
Top class!
I have just had my Uncle, thrice removed, who heard from His Mothers, Mother, who lives at Cardrona, that the Publican of the Cardrona Inn, having (just) read you famous article, apparently rushed out, into the snow, and called out to both - Luxo Baggins & his "good friend" Seemore, who had just left the safe and warm comfort of His Inn, to continue heading South, to return as He had "news".
Upon returning to the warmth of the Inn, both Luxo and Seemore were appraised of your "intelligence report" (as attached) to which, it is/was recorded that -
"Luxo (said) - As usual, nothing has changed", and
"Seemore (stated) - does that mean Lux, we may get more votes later in the Year"? (To which Luxo did not respond).
What upset the Inn Keeper the most, is that neither Luxo and/or Seemore brought a round of drinks, to celebrate an "historic stuff up, by a sitting Govt". Oh well He mused, he hoped Wayne Brown was having more success with His Airport Shares?
From ANON, who resides in the North, Island of New Zealand.
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