“Yes, sir, of course.
Strange, I don’t have a record of that in your diary.”
“It’s on a need-to-know basis. And now that you know, make sure no one else needs to.”
“Understood, Prime Minister. And don’t worry, not even the Maori caucus will get past me.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RING, RING…..
“Keep calm, Chippy boy. You’ve got this. Remember, you’re the leader of Aotearoa-New Zealand. Just be yourself….”
RING, RING….
“OK, in light of recent events, maybe you should pretend to be someone else.
Oh God, here goes!”
RING, RING….
“Hello?
Hello, is that…..Big Brother?”
“Ja….I mean yes. Zis is Big Bruzzer, speaking.
Zo good to finally talk to you, Prime Meenister Heepkins. May I call you …. Crease?”
“Oh, please do. It’s a great honour to finally touch base in person. Jacinda told me so much about you.”
“I also haf my second-in-command here vith me - Numero Dos.”
“Buenos Dias.”
“Or as you zay - he is my Number Twos!”
“No sheet! Even Heepkins can hwork that out.”
“I, of course, am being ze Number Vuns.”
“And you’re not taking the piss. Ha!
Sorry. Sorry. Ignore my Kiwi toilet humour.”
“Hi don’t get Kiwi jokes.
But what I really can’t hunderstand is why you call yourself hafter ha flea-infested beerd which can’t fly and leeves hunderground.”
“Und zey haf it on zer Luftwaffe planes. Ha! Now, zat is funny.”
“Yes, I can see how that might be amusing….to Europeans.”
“Anyvay, now you know ze pecking orders.
Orders vich must be obeyed at all times.”
“Gosh, your accents. It sounds just like the UN!”
“Dios mio! How does he know? Do we have a leak? Has my cover been blown?”
“Calm down, Number Twos.
Crease is just making ein perfectly innocent observation.”
“I apologise unreservedly for any offence I may have caused by suggesting you were part of the UN.”
“I don’t like thees guy. We’re wasting time on heem. He’s not going to be haround much longer anyhow.”
“Now, now. I zink ve all got off on ze wrong feet, ja?
Crease, ve had many fruitful meetings vith your predecessor, Jaceenda….”
“She hwas a beeg disappointment, quitting like that.”
“....und, ve vish to continue our relationship vith you. But ve are haffing some grossen concerns. Your administration seems very vobbly!”
“Yes, we have hit the speed bumps in our second term but I’m confident we can win the next election, in coalition with the Greens and the Maori Party, to continue the great crusade that is progressive socialism and enforce a brave New World Order on society.”
“Vell said, but ve need something more zan ein rousing speech to show zat you can steady ze sheep.”
“Ah, the sheep. I see you’re using the old sheep analogy.
We do still have a lot of “sheep” in Aotearoa - not nearly as many as we used to, I might add; a lot have left for Australia. But we also have plenty of public service “shepherds and sheep-dogs” to ensure they’re kept under control, and that number has increased substantially on my watch. I consider myself to be a highly qualified “shepherd” and want to assure you that my experienced team of dogs will work tirelessly to progress your agenda for technocratic global governance.”
“What eez he talking about? The guy’s han idiot.”
“Crease, I’m talking about steadying ze sheep, not ze sheeps!”
“Oh, only one sheep. Well, that’s so much easier. Care to tell me which sheep you have in mind?”
“Ze kind zat sails on ze vater!
Like ze Bismarck…or ze Tirpitz….or ze Graf Spee.
Zat kind of sheep.”
“I’m dreadfully sorry. It’s the accents, you see. Even Anthony’s Aussie twang throws me sometimes.
It was a simple misunderstanding.”
“Seemple alright. Finally, the euro has dropped!”
“Zo Crease, ve are seeing lots of Meenisters leaving your government. Like rats deserting ze sinking sheep. Vot is going on in little old New Zealand?”
“Truth is, Big Brother, Jacinda left me with a useless bunch of incompetents that she refused to fire or stand down when she was PM. She just shovelled the shit into a corner and I’ve been wading through it ever since, cleaning up her mess.
Worse still, the odd Minister actually resigned on principle. I mean, really!
Lying and stupidity I can understand, even sympathise with, but principle turns my stomach.”
“At last, I ham starting to like you, Heepkins. The organisation hi run works pretty much the same hway.”
“But ze latest opinion poll is looking very bad for you. Labour is on only 26% und ein centre-right government - uugh, yuk, scheissen - vill take power.
Less zan three months to ze election.
Vot is your plan to ensure voke neo-Marxism continues to flourish in ze SW Pacific?”
“I think you’ll like this. It’s an inspired move to pull the rug out from under the opposition and leave them floundering in the wake of my renewables-powered sheep, I mean ship.”
“See, Number Twos. I told you Crease vould haf ein plan.”
“OK, Heepkins. Spill the magic beans.”
“I’m going to take GST off fruit and veges!
Poor sheeps, who vote Labour, can then afford to buy them and live a healthier, more fulfilled lifestyle. This will improve their wellbeing and possibly their mental health so they might even decide to come off a benefit and look for work. Although that’s strictly optional.
What do you think?”
“I theenk you’ve gone loco! Even your Finance Meenister theenks it’s ha dumb idea. He may decide to resign over eet.”
“Vy vould poor sheeps spend more of zer inflation-ravaged income on something zey don't currently buy much of, if at all?”
“Look, I hear what you’re saying but trust me. Our focus group of affluent middle-class Wellington Labour voters say this is a guaranteed vote winner.”
“Vell, I vish you luck but ve are very busy, Crease, zo ve will haf to leave it zer.
I really hope to speak to you again...but time vill tell.”
“It’s been a pleasure talking to you both and you can count on me in the great socialist battle ahead.”
“Auf wiedersehen!"
“Adios….burro!”
“Geez, I’m still connected. How do you hang this bloody thing up!”
“Zo Antonio, vot did you zink?”
“Well, Klaus. He hasn’t got a hope, in my hopinion.
Still, eetz only leetle old Ow-Tea-Ah-Row-Ah, or whatever he calls it.”
“Ja, only 5 million sheeps out of 8 billion. Still, ve need to keep ein close eye on him.
As ein precaution, ve should reach out to ze National Party guy. He’s not ideal but his voke corporate background und support for man-made global varming makes him ein likely WEF recruit.
Und his airline background means he von’t have ein issue vith our lavish use of private jets. ”
“Agreed.
Heepkins is yesterday’s paella!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Shit! They’re throwing me under the bus.
Wendy, come in immediately.
Hold on, you’re not Wendy. Who the hell are you?”
“Guten tag, Herr Heepkins. Vendy suddenly got sick. I am Magda and I vill be your new personal secretary until October 14th. Ve vill vork very closely togezer und make ein very efficient team, I am sure.
Und, just remember…..
Big Bruzzer is vatching you….alvays!”
Derek Mackie is a former geologist with a keen interest in current affairs and a penchant for satire.
3 comments:
"Pass the bugs, yum? Not"...
As always, the truth can be stranger than fiction. This reads as something that could be just another day in the office for Crease at the moment. Well written Derek, especially the accents. Still smiling.
MC
I wonder - "What has happened to Luxo & Seemore", whilst the "red head monster of the Hutt Valley, spoke (in tongues) to funny speaking people, who reside overseas.
I do hope Luxo & Seemore have not succumbed to the "deep snow, rain, hail, swollen rivers, broken bridges", that inhabit that Southern Land, across the sea, that according to legend, the French Found First, and laid claim to a small portion, in an inland harbour, on the East Coast -and had the French Flag flying when some a.. hole of an Englishman, sailed in and said "stow it buddy .. " - this land is now English. For which the local tribe - known as "Ngai Tahu", rub their collective hands, knowing the English would pay more in recompense.
My "historical notes", show that they (Ngai Tahu) sang a song, they called - "Money, Money, its a rich man's world ..."
Inserted by Ah Phooey, of New Zealand.
Post a Comment