Prime Minister: Good afternoon, everyone. Today, I’d like to make a few simple statements about New Zealand. Firstly, New Zealand is in the South Pacific Ocean. Secondly, the kiwi is a flightless bird native to New Zealand. And finally, Wellington is New Zealand’s capital city.
Media: Prime Minister, you say New Zealand is in the South Pacific. Can you give us the exact coordinates?
PM: Well, New Zealand spans several degrees of latitude and longitude.
Media: So, you’re refusing to pinpoint our nation’s location? What are you hiding?
PM: I’m not hiding anything. New Zealand is a large country.
Media: Prime Minister, your coalition partner recently suggested that New Zealand could be towed closer to Australia. How do you respond to that?
PM: I don’t think anyone has seriously suggested that. New Zealand’s location is fixed.
Media: Are you saying your coalition partner is lying? Is there a rift in the Government?
PM: No, that’s not what I’m saying at all.
Media: Sources close to Cabinet say you’ve been secretly funding flying lessons for kiwis. Is that why you’re emphasising their flightless nature?
PM: What? No, kiwis are naturally flightless.
Media: So, you’re admitting to discrimination against flightless birds? Isn’t that divisive?
PM: I don’t see how that’s relevant.
Media: Prime Minister, in your maiden speech you mentioned enjoying Auckland. Have you done a U-turn on your support for Wellington as the capital?
PM: No, I enjoy both cities. Wellington is still the capital.
Media: A simple yes or no, Prime Minister: Will you resign if kiwi birds start flying tomorrow?
PM: That’s an absurd hypothetical.
Media: You’re dodging the question! What are you afraid of?
PM: I’m not afraid of anything, it’s just not a realistic scenario.
Media: Are you willing to commit to a referendum on moving the capital to the Chatham Islands to boost their economy?
PM: Look, I think we’re getting off track. Today, all I wanted was to present you with three basic facts about our country. If there are no further questions, I’ll wrap things up here.
Media: [Collective gasp] Did you just say “facts” and “today”? Are you implying that everything else you’ve told us so far has been fiction?
PM: No, that’s not what I …
Media: BREAKING NEWS: PM admits to years of government fabrications!
Dr Oliver Hartwich is the Executive Director of The New Zealand Initiative think tank. This article was first published HERE.
PM: Well, New Zealand spans several degrees of latitude and longitude.
Media: So, you’re refusing to pinpoint our nation’s location? What are you hiding?
PM: I’m not hiding anything. New Zealand is a large country.
Media: Prime Minister, your coalition partner recently suggested that New Zealand could be towed closer to Australia. How do you respond to that?
PM: I don’t think anyone has seriously suggested that. New Zealand’s location is fixed.
Media: Are you saying your coalition partner is lying? Is there a rift in the Government?
PM: No, that’s not what I’m saying at all.
Media: Sources close to Cabinet say you’ve been secretly funding flying lessons for kiwis. Is that why you’re emphasising their flightless nature?
PM: What? No, kiwis are naturally flightless.
Media: So, you’re admitting to discrimination against flightless birds? Isn’t that divisive?
PM: I don’t see how that’s relevant.
Media: Prime Minister, in your maiden speech you mentioned enjoying Auckland. Have you done a U-turn on your support for Wellington as the capital?
PM: No, I enjoy both cities. Wellington is still the capital.
Media: A simple yes or no, Prime Minister: Will you resign if kiwi birds start flying tomorrow?
PM: That’s an absurd hypothetical.
Media: You’re dodging the question! What are you afraid of?
PM: I’m not afraid of anything, it’s just not a realistic scenario.
Media: Are you willing to commit to a referendum on moving the capital to the Chatham Islands to boost their economy?
PM: Look, I think we’re getting off track. Today, all I wanted was to present you with three basic facts about our country. If there are no further questions, I’ll wrap things up here.
Media: [Collective gasp] Did you just say “facts” and “today”? Are you implying that everything else you’ve told us so far has been fiction?
PM: No, that’s not what I …
Media: BREAKING NEWS: PM admits to years of government fabrications!
Dr Oliver Hartwich is the Executive Director of The New Zealand Initiative think tank. This article was first published HERE.
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