The Greens’ coronation of Chlöe Swarbrick at last weekend’s AGM delivered a manifesto for economic transformation that would make Soviet economists nostalgic for their glory days.
Swarbrick delivered a speech that was part meditation retreat, part political rally. She declared her party “leading the Opposition,” positioned herself as Finance Minister-in-waiting, and announced her intention to overhaul capitalism.
Why only Finance Minister? Surely Prime Minister. How about a Green dominated Cabinet. If they hadn’t lost so many MPs we could have Justice Minister Golriz Ghahraman, Small Business Minister Phillida Bunkle, Immigration Minister Darlene Tana, Welfare Minister Metiria Turei and Workplace Relations Minister Elizabeth Kerekere.
Finance Minister Swarbrick’s credentials rest on the Greens’ Alternative Budget – a document that reads like a socialist handbook. It promises to fund utopia for just $89 billion in new taxes.
Universal dental care, guaranteed incomes, free lunches, and 35,000 new homes – it’s the most expensive wish list since a child’s letter to Santa, except Santa doesn’t have to worry about capital flight.
At least Santa believes in targeting on the basis of behaviour!
The wealth tax at the heart of this relies on economic amnesia – Sweden abandoned theirs after watching its tennis stars serve from Monaco, France got capital flight, Germany got bureaucratic nightmares. But the Greens have cracked the code: New Zealand is apparently surrounded by a magical forcefield that prevents the wealthy from fleeing to Australia.
Most people can tolerate being taxed a portion of their income. But when the Greens say they want to take a portion of your assets every year, of course people would flee.
The crown jewel of this socialist revival would be the Ministry of Green Works – a bureaucratic behemoth that would make Muldoon weep with joy. Picture it: former KiwiBuild managers quadrupling housing targets, overseen by Three Waters consultants designing the governance arrangements.
You think $50 million to talk about a bridge was costly. Much better to come.
David Farrar runs Curia Market Research, a specialist opinion polling and research agency, and the popular Kiwiblog where this article was sourced. He previously worked in the Parliament for eight years, serving two National Party Prime Ministers and three Opposition Leaders
8 comments:
Would we allow Chloe to go into an operating theater and perform open heart surgery with no medical qualifications or experience? Would we allow her to design a bridge with no engineering qualifications or experience? Of course not. Yet a large proportion of the population and the media want her to run the NZ economy when she has no more qualifications and experience than she has operating on people's hearts.
Chloe's economic policies are those that made countries like Greece and Sri Lanka bankrupt. If NZ becomes bankrupt, that won't help all the schools, hospitals and welfare she wants to spend our money on.
Green with envy springs to mind. How appropriate!
The Green Gospel
(as overheard at the AGM, faithfully transcribed by the stenographer of vibes)
Swarbrick (beaming, hands in prayer pose):
“Kia ora koutou. Breathe in. Hold it. Breathe out. Feel the capitalism leaving your body. You are now officially debt-free – at least until I do the Budget.”
(Rapturous applause. One member faints from the sheer authenticity.)
Swarbrick:
“We, the Greens, are not the Opposition. We lead the Opposition. We are the Government-in-waiting. And I – me, Chlöe Swarbrick – am your Finance Minister.”
*(Chants of “Finance! Finance!”)
Swarbrick:
“But why stop at Finance? Tonight, I reveal your new Cabinet. A dream team – though mostly in the hallucinogenic sense.
• Justice Minister Golriz Ghahraman, returning from Paris with a fresh suitcase.
• Small Business Minister Phillida Bunkle – she knows all about free perks.
• Immigration Minister Darlene Tana, Uber-ready to serve.
• Welfare Minister Metiria Turei, with receipts on housing and benefit claims.
• Workplace Relations Minister Elizabeth Kerekere, here to teach everyone how to ‘burnout gracefully.’
• Children’s Minister Benjamin Buzzy Doyle – the only politician who can still pass for 12.
• Unemployment Minister Ricci Mandy March – a nodding bobblehead guaranteed to agree with everything.
Together we will build a Cabinet of saints, martyrs and Instagram lives.”
(Wild cheering. Someone hands out gluten-free kombucha.)
Swarbrick (leaning forward, whispering like a guru):
“Our Alternative Budget is not just numbers. It is poetry. For just $89 billion in new taxes, we will fund universal dental care, guaranteed incomes, free lunches, 35,000 homes, and an indoor ski field in every suburb.
Sweden tried it and lost Björn Borg. France tried it and lost half of Paris. But don’t worry – rich New Zealanders cannot leave, because Air New Zealand cancelled their flights.”
(Hysterical laughter. Someone shouts “Forcefield!”)
Swarbrick:
“And the crown jewel: The Ministry of Green Works. It will deliver houses like KiwiBuild never dreamed. Thirty thousand homes a year, designed by Three Waters consultants, at a cost calculated by… well, not me, obviously. Numbers are, like, my weak spot. But don’t panic – feelings are stronger than maths.”
(Standing ovation. A supporter yells: “Chlöe for Prime Minister!”)
Swarbrick (closing her eyes, saintlike):
“Yes. Prime Minister. Finance Minister. Spirit Guide. Whatever you need me to be. Always a solution. Never the cost. And that, comrades, is leadership.”
(Conference ends with yoga poses and a group chant of “Tax the vibes, fund the dream!”)
Good Grief! If that were to come about we would give new meaning to being the unwilling led by the unqualified!
Well said, David and Anon.
The Enemy Within is plain to see.
Nicola Willis has a degree in English Literature. how does that qualify her to be Minister of Finance?
It truly is wonder that the greens’ bedrock of 10 percent of the voters and labour’s (let’s be generous) 35 percent cannot recognise sheer ignorance and incompetence smacking them between the eyes, especially the former lot.
If all this were to come about, imagine being a refugee from your own country.
The worrying part is that we have idiots who will vote for these people.
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