Derek Mackie: Sale of the Century

The Auction Room 

Ladies and gentlemen…and all others of a non-traditional gender identity.

Welcome to today’s auction. 

We have a dazzling array of publicly owned and paid for assets under the hammer today. But the jewel in the crown has to be lot 666 - local government water infrastructure assets. 

I trust we have no conspiracy theorists in our audience? Lot numbers are assigned purely at random and nothing sinister should be read into this one. 

 So, without further ado. Let battle commence. 

Lot 666 

Who will start me at 1 Water? 

Thank you, madam. 

1 Water, to the rather imposing lady with the tattoo on her chin. 

Do I hear 2 Waters? 

Thank you, sir. 

The bid is now with the gentleman holding hands with the rather imposing lady with the tattoo on her chin. 

May I infer some family connection there? Not that I’m suggesting anything inappropriate, you understand. 

Am I bid 3 Waters? 

Come now, ladies and gentlemen…and others. 

This is a magnificent piece. Valued at many billions of dollars. 

Of course, to the true collector, the monetary value is purely secondary. It is the right to effectively own and control this unique object, critical to us all, which is the real desire for a collector. 

So, do I hear 3 Waters? 

Are you bidding, sir? Yes? 

Thank you. 

3 Waters to the rather loud gentleman who has been telling everyone about his plans for the media….whether they wish to listen or not. 

The bid stands at 3 Waters. 

Are we done? 

Going once…….going twice…… 

4 Waters, did you say, madam? 

I wasn’t aware there was another Water. Just let me check my catalogue. 

I do beg your pardon. A very late addition was made and, indeed, 3 Waters has been extended under urgency. 

In that case, I am delighted to accept your bid. 

4 Waters, to the lady with the bun and very large attractive earrings. 

Any advances on 4 Waters? 

Ah, the rather imposing lady with the tattoo on her chin has bid 5 Waters. 

Any further bids? Are we all done? 

Going once……going twice…… Gone! 

Out of public hands forever and now under the control of a small group of “private investors” who will no doubt cherish this magnificent asset as not only a thing of beauty but also a once-in-a-lifetime guaranteed investment.

 

Many congratulations, madam. 

Indeed, congratulations to all the bidders who do appear to have been working as a syndicate to secure this unique opportunity. 

Moving on.

Lot 667 - TVNZ and Radio NZ. 

Who will start the bidding? 

Ah, no surprise there. 

The rather loud gentleman who has been telling everyone about his plans for the media has offered a very large opening bid. 

In fact, rather more than the combined value of both assets. 

Any other bids? No? 

Going once….going twice…. Sold! 

Clearly, the successful bidder is buying this piece for personal reasons rather than monetary gain.  

Congratulations, sir. 

I do hope you get out of it what you deserve. 

Derek Mackie is a geologist with a keen interest in current affairs.