Derek Mackie: One ring to rule them all

Today’s tale from Middle Earth is all about good versus evil, and having the courage and conviction to do the right thing. 

 The Tale of Luxo’s Ring 

 “Of course I’ll look after your deluxe hobbit-hole while you're away playing golf in Rivendell, Uncle Johno. I still have the spare key.” said Luxo Baggins.

“I’ve noticed you’ve been very grumpy of late so a trip will do you good. 

And yes, don’t worry. I swear to safeguard the big shiny ring you carry constantly, and not let it out of my sight. Cross my hairy feet and hope to die! 

Oh, one more thing. My best friend and faithful servant, Seemore, is staying to keep me company…..and to do all the cooking and housework. Mundane tasks will only distract me from my duty to fulfil your vital instructions.” 

“Have a lovely time, Uncle. Say hello to the elves for me. Goodbye!” 

“Right, he’s gone, Seemore.  Wipe your feet, you can come in now. You’ll be sleeping under the stairs.” 

“I’ve never seen inside Uncle Johno’s hobbit-hole before, Mr Luxo. It’s so much bigger than it looks from the outside. 

He must have the biggest hole in all of Hobbiton!” 

“Uncle Johno made a lot of money trading with the elves, dwarfs and men and was able to retire early. A lesson for us all. 

He put a lot of his capital gains into creating this top-of-the-range executive suite. It could be mine one day, if I show myself worthy by earning a powerful position in Shire politics.” 

“I’m sure you will, Mr Luxo. 

So, what shall we do now - have a party?” 

“What kind of party?” 

“Don’t worry - nothing political or that. How about a housewarming party?” 

“I’m not sure - it seems plenty warm to me. 

Instead, I could practise my public speaking on you, as long as you don’t heckle me. That’s always fun…isn’t it?” 

“No offence, but I’d rather have one of my big toenails removed with a bottle opener, Mr Luxo.”

“Please yourself. Anyway, we’re going to be far too busy this evening to entertain. 

And Uncle Johno values his privacy so he wouldn’t want strangers rummaging through his drawers. 

Besides, Hobbiton is so PC these days. You have to be inclusive and invite someone of every peculiar persuasion, whether you like them or not, or the local rag takes you to task.” 

“You shouldn’t get in a tizzy about what the media thinks, Mr Luxo. Stand up for your own beliefs. 

That’s what I was taught.” 

“It’s easy for you, Seemore. You’re from a lowly family with no prospects but I’m a Baggins and great things are expected of me. Uncle Johno hasn’t said as much, but I know he wants me to run for Mayor. 

Trouble is, I don’t have strong convictions on anything really. And I hate criticism. It’s much easier to just go with the flow.” 

“Even if that means not supporting your friends when things get tough? That’s not the way to ACT, surely. 

Wait a minute, where’d you get that whopping great shiny ring round your neck?” 

“Uncle Johno entrusted it to me. He brought it back from his travels years ago and it’s his most valued possession. He was very reluctant to part with the ring and got quite irate when I took it from him. 

I’m never to let it out of my sight. Not that I want to. I’ve only been wearing it a short while but it seems attracted to me somehow….and me to it. 

Actually, that’s the main reason for inviting you to stay, Seemore.” 

“You’re giving the ring to me, Mr Luxo? Oh sir, I’m so honoured. I promise to take the greatest care of it and….” 

“Don’t be daft! What would you do with something as pre…cious as this?" 

“Your voice went all funny there.” 

“Sorry, I don’t know what came over me. 

Look, Uncle Johno has charged me - and by that, I mean us - with an important mission while he’s away. We’re to travel to the Land of Mordor and throw the ring into the fires of Mt Doom.

Apparently, it’s evil and was forged by The Dark Lady Nanaia to control all of Middle Earth. She lost it in battle and has been hunting for it ever since. 

If she takes ownership of the ring, all the kingdoms will fall to her.” 

“Pull the other foot, Mr Luxo. It’s got more hair on!” 

“Sadly, I’m not joking, Seemore. 

Uncle said the adventure would make a Hobbit of me, and turn me into a true leader.” 

“More likely, it’ll turn you - and by that, I mean us - into Orc meat!” 

“But I can’t let the old man down. It will be dangerous, no doubt, but ever since I’ve had the ring round my neck I’ve been feeling more confident. 

I even told our Labour mayoral candidate to bugger off when he came door knocking earlier. And he’s the son of the Hobbiton Herald’s editor!” 

“My, standing up to your political opponent and the media.  You are growing a backbone.” 

“It’s strange but I think the ring wants me to take it back to Mordor.” 

“And how are we going to get there, eh? I ain’t never left the Shire before.” 

“Uncle Johno gave me this map which shows the way…..and this special shirt made from mithril which protects me from harm.” 

“Where’s my one, then? Wait, don’t tell me, there’s only one. 

One ring, one map, one mithril shirt. It’s always the way for us poor hobbits. I’m feeling a bit left out, Mr Luxo.” 

“But there’s only one of you too, and you’re the most important thing, Seemore. Without you I’ll get lost, disheartened and confused, not to mention hungry, and I’ll probably turn back. When things get dark you always see things more clearly than me and have the courage to go on to the end. 

And besides, who’s going to carry everything!” 

“Well, if you put it like that I don’t suppose I have a choice. You’ve got to stick by your mates and keep your word, else life’s not worth much. 

That’s what I was taught.” 

“Really? 

I’ve always been a look-after-number-one kind of hobbit. Different strokes, I suppose - that’s what makes us a great team. 

Right, there’s lots to plan for tomorrow. I want to get an early start.” 

The next morning 

“Have we - and by that, I mean you - got everything, Seemore? 

Your pack looks a bit light.” 

“This great big thing as I can barely lift, you mean? 

Don’t fret.  There’s plenty food, drink and clothes - mostly yours! Suppose I should be grateful hobbits don’t wear shoes. 

What I should be asking is - do you have anything?” 

“Of course! The map’s in my backpack, which is starting to pinch my shoulders already, so I might have to trust you with it. I’m wearing my mithral shirt and the ring’s around my neck.

I’ve got all the important stuff. What else do you expect me to carry? 

Anyway, you’re from common stock and used to heavy lifting and manual labour. I’m more of a thoroughbred corporate thinker.” 

“Is that so? Maybe we should have second-breakfast before leaving, then. Just to make sure you’ve got plenty of energy for thinking.” 

“Good idea.” 

“And why not put that ring on, instead of wearing it round your neck? 

It’d be a lot safer than swinging on a chain.” 

“Uncle Johno explicitly warned me never to put it on my finger. Something unbelievably horrible will appear.” 

“Oh, go on. What’s the worst that could happen? You see a big scary river monster, or something?” 

“Do you think I should?” 

“Stop worrying about other people and do what you think is right, Mr Luxo. I’m tired of telling you.” 

“OK, here goes!” 

“Well, strap me to a warg - you’ve disappeared! 

Where have you gone, sir?" 

“Oh, it really is truly horrible. It’s like a giant eye, with a strange squiggly pattern where a chin might be, and it can see me. 

It’s got this deep, foreboding voice and it keeps saying - 

 Co-governance, yeah right! Bring me the one ring to rule them all.” 

“Take the ring off, Mr Luxo. Quick!” 

“No wait. Maybe the horrible talking eye’s got a point. After all, it’s exactly the sort of idea the Hobbiton Herald would champion. 

Perhaps I should take the ring to The Dark Lady.” 

“Where’s that backbone gone, eh? Do you really want an evil tyrant ruling all of Middle Earth?

Us hobbits would be sent to work in the greenstone mines of Moria and the Shire would be overrun with Orcs. 

Stand firm, Mr Luxo. Take the ring off - NOW!” 

“Gandalf-the-Grey, that was exhausting! I’m famished. Let’s have second-breakfast.” 

“Hold on. That can wait. 

So, what are you - and by that, I mean we - going to do? 

Destroy the ring or take it to The Dark Lady?” 

“It’s a tough one. The first option will be much harder and may end us both. But then, the second option, although easier…..may end us both.”

 

“If you want to be a real leader you have to stop thinking just about yourself and look at the bigger picture. What will be best for all hobbits and the Shire?" 

“Fine! Have it your way. Option one it is. 

But I reserve the right to change my mind if we get too tired, hungry or thirsty….or some journalist gets wind of our plan and gives me a hard time.” 

“Oh no, Mr Luxo. Once you’ve decided on a course of action which is right and just then you stick with it, no matter how hard it gets.

 

That’s what I was taught!” 

Will Luxo and Seemore manage to find Mordor before they run out of supplies? 

Will they escape the evil clutches of The Dark Lady Nanaia and cast the ring into the fires of Mt Doom? 

Or will Luxo find it all too hard and be tempted to surrender the ring to the forces of evil…in exchange for a phoney treaty partnership agreement? 

And will Seemore let him? 

Find out in the next thrilling instalment of The Tale of Luxo’s Ring….. 

Derek Mackie is a geologist with a keen interest in current affairs.