Derek Mackie: The Green's red-hot candidate whitelist

Tonight on We Can Handle the Truth…. 

 The Green Party are reeling after yet another - yes folks, yet another- political scandal involving one of their MP’s. 

Darlene Tana was told to get on her e-bike by party co-leader Chloe Swarbrick, after it came to light…. long before many months of investigation… during which she was suspended on full pay…that she and her husband’s ecocycle business was exploiting migrants; albeit to save the planet by ostensibly reducing CO2 emissions. 

 In a close-run, unexpected Green decision, where for once human wellbeing was put above climate change, Darlene was left in no uncertain terms that resignation was expected of her but gave Chloe the big Ta, Nah! 

For the moment, and very likely all the way to the end of this parliamentary term, Darlene will be staying put as an independent activist, courtesy of the beleaguered taxpayer. 

 The Greens still have to replace her though, and our anonymous source, known only as Dense Undergrowth, tells us that rather than go straight to the next loony-in-waiting on their list, who happens to be a straight, non-Maori man and is thus inferior selection material, they’ve been consulting their closest political allies, the Maori Party, for advice. 

Three names came out of this brainstorming session - and a shitload of Panadol went in - and we’ve been doing some checking into their background and credentials. 

Jenn O’Syde 

 Who originally hails from the emerald isle and used to be Pat(rick) before she successfully transitioned. 

 Conceived while her Irish parents were holidaying in New Zealand, Jenn claims she is part-Maori and has always felt a deep affinity to Maori culture; even as a small child growing up in a tight knit catholic area of Belfast. 

 She even introduced poi balls to her local Irish dancing class but they didn’t catch on since dancers have their arms firmly pinned to their sides and they became a trip hazard with multiple health and safety incidents. 

 Jenn can strongly empathise with Maori’s struggle against British colonialism and oppression, having experienced it first-hand herself, and thinks co-governance is a white supremacist construct to appease and deny Maori their just place as outright rulers of Aotearoa. 

 If selected she would draft a private members bill banning all non-Maori from parliament. 

Col O’Niall 

 Despite sounding Irish, Col is a Kiwi, born-and-bred, and claims to be 99.9% Maori. This is a remarkable assertion, not only because of his name, and because it is universally accepted that all Maori are now interbred to some degree; but when you meet Col his carrot ginger hair and freckly pink skin seem to fly in the face of his ethnicity claims. 

 He asserts that DNA testing is based on flawed Western science, and as such has persistently refused to confirm his ethnicity by this method. Instead he prefers to put his faith in Matauranga Maori and has already threatened some of his detractors with legal action, invoking tikanga in his defence. 

 Col believes we are currently in the midst of a mass extinction event, worse even than the previous one 65 million years ago which wiped out the dinosaurs and about 50% of all other species. In Col’s mind this is entirely caused by mankind’s profligate use of fossil fuels. 

 Col maintains that humans, apart from committed eco-fanatics like himself, are intrinsically evil and bent on planetary destruction and should be removed, one way or the other. 

Talking of which, he’s also a strong advocate of “safe and effective” mRNA vaccine development and compulsory regular inoculations for all ages. 

 Col himself had a vaccine exemption certificate granted to him during the Covid pandemic because he has a phobia of needles and excess death rates. 

Dwight-Sue Premisy 

 Dwight-Sue is still considering transitioning gender but can’t make up his/her mind yet. He/she is a firm believer in being whatever you want to be, even if you don’t know what that is, and is a strong advocate for minority rights within minorities. 

 Dwight-Sue claims that democracy is fundamentally undemocratic because it violates the basic human right to be whatever you want to be, regardless of ability, competence or experience. He/she would abolish parliament and replace it with citizens committees which would decide everything, including what public toilet you can use. 

 To ensure balance and fairness, these committees would be chosen by the Green Party and would be unaccountable to the public who have shown they’re simply unable to make sensible decisions for themselves, as evidenced by the polls showing the Greens languishing at only 12%. 

 What a choice the Greens have before them. Stick with the safe but sub-standard option or take a punt on an effective unknown who will almost certainly turn out to be more of a loose cannon than the current crop of misfits they employ. 

 Whoever they choose it’s sure to put pressure on their existing MPs who will have to up their game and devise even wackier policies than they’re already pushing. 

 One thing seems certain though. Whatever the trials and tribulations, the batshit crazy candidates, the embarrassing scandals that constantly assail this political party; their supporters remain resolute…or are they just perennially stupid? 

 I think we all know the answer to that, viewers! 

Derek Mackie is a former geologist with a keen interest in current affairs and a penchant for satire.