Friday, December 3, 2021

Derek Mackie: The Chase meets team NZ

Team: Jacinda (J), Nanaia (N), Andrew (A), Grant (G)
Chaser: The Governess (TG) 
Host: Bradley (B) 

B: Welcome to The Chase. Can a team of 4 players, who “say” they’ve never met before, work together to win thousands of dollars? I certainly hope so. There’s only one thing standing in their way - The Chaser. The chase is on! 

 So, let’s meet my team. 

 J: I’m Jacinda and my friends tell me I’m a natural leader. That’s why I’m in seat 1. My vision is to “reset” the way we govern and, ultimately, influence every sphere of life in Aotearoa, transforming it into the kindest and most caring country on Earth.

 N: I’m Nanaia and I also like to be in charge, though I’m more of a steel hand than a velvet glove kinda girl. It was easy to intimidate the rest of my team, so that’s why I’m in seat 2. I specialise in asset stripping and redistribution. Is it possible to have some picture questions, please? 

 A: I’m Andrew and I used to be in charge...until I realised I wasn’t very good at it. I work in Health and spend huge sums of money for very “little” return. There’s a joke in there for those that know me at, Mum! Happy to be in any seat at all! 

 G: I’m Grant and I always wanted to be in seat 4 because I’m a natural gambler and want the big offer. I work in Finance and spend even huger sums than Andrew. 

B: And that’s my team. First up, it’s Jacinda! 
So Jacinda, tell us a bit about yourself. 
J: Firstly, I’d like to say Kia Ora from Aotearoa, Bradley. 
B: Never heard of it! I love New Zealand though! 
J: I live with my daughter and my minor TV celebrity partner, and I successfully juggle motherhood with my career as a Kindness, Well-being & Inclusivity visionary. I work intimately with ALL government departments and specialise in leadership, PR and communications, rarely in that order. I feel strongly that traditional government attributes, like fiscal responsibility and governing largely for the majority, are outdated concepts and need to be replaced by a “new normal”. Through my influential work I aim to transform Aotearoa into a paradise for minorities and.... 

B: Alright, alright! We ain’t got all night, J. Give it a rest! You sound like one of them party political broadcast thingies. 
Now, what do you do in your spare time? 
J: I enjoy holding mock daily press conferences, answering pre-approved questions, smiling patronisingly and waving my hands around so much I confuse the sign language interpreter. 
B: And if you win some money today what would you do with it? 
J: I’d donate it to my own charity which I’ve just started - The Kind and Caring Trust - which funds advertisements and billboards of myself smiling and saying Be Kind. We already get substantial funding from the government for this vital humanitarian work - eh, Grant? I’ve never met Grant before, by the way.
B: Well, all the best. Are you ready? Your time starts….. now.
          The word “democracy” comes from what language? 
J: Oh, now it’s vaguely familiar….is it Japanese? 
B: Wrong, Greek. 
         Complete the phrase “Oh, what a tangled web we weave….” 
J: eh…”when we want to knit a sleeve”? 
B: Wrong, …”when first we practice to deceive” 
J: Makes no sense to me but it’s got a nice ring to it. 
B: A person from what race first reached the South Pole? 
J: I know this...Maori! 
B: Wrong, Norwegian.
J: Are you sure about that? Nanaia, didn’t you tell me they were Maori? Not that we’ve ever met before this show. 
N: I told you we possibly, almost certainly, may have discovered Antarctica first. I didn’t say we reached the South Pole. 
B: And all that yakking means we’ve run out of time. Jacinda you scored $0. You’re definitely NOT a much better player than that. 
Which Chaser would you like to meet at the table? 
J: The Secretary General of the UN, please. 
B: You’ve never watched this show before, ‘ave you girl? Right, let’s meet the Chaser! 
And tonight it’s……….. old frosty knickers herself - The Governess! 

TG: Well Jacinda, you may be an influential power in government but your general knowledge couldn’t power a 12W light bulb. 
J: That’s so kind! 
TG: Oh, I can be much kinder than that, believe me! 
B: Let’s put some offers on the table. 
TG: A low offer of -$1000….and a high offer of ….$20,000! 
B: Let’s see what the team thinks. 
N: Don’t be intimidated….take the middle offer. 
A: I’m happy with whatever you choose. 
G: Go high! 

J: It’s a tough decision but since I’m playing for charity I’m going to go high. 
B: Well done you, girl. So, for $20,000, first question… 
    Which famous nuclear physicist was the first to split the atom? 
         A/ Lorde         B/Lord Rutherford     C/ Split Enz 
J: I’m arde(r)ntly anti-nuclear so this is a tough question for me. I’m fairly certain it’s not B. He’d be too busy on his country estate or in the House of Lords to work at a lab, surely. I’m going for A. 
B: The correct answer is….B. The one you thought it wasn’t. Bad luck! 
Let’s see what the Chaser put….B! So, now she’s one step behind you. 

B: Next question. 
     The kiwi fruit comes originally from which country? 
         A/ New Zealand         B/ Andorra          C/ China 
J: The first thing that popped into my head before the answers came up was Aotearoa but that’s not there. I know we used to grow loads of them, until recently. 
Then nobody wanted to pick them because it infringed on their automatic and inalienable right to unemployment benefit. And it was against government policy to get immigrant workers in to do it because that would reduce job opportunities for our own people…who wouldn’t do it anyway. 
Sorry, got a bit side-tracked there. Focus Jacinda! 
I was going to go with A because that’s the old colonial name for our country but we don’t use it anymore, well not in the circles I move in. 
But I’m going for B because it starts with the same letter as my first thought, so that’s my logic 
B: Longest answer ever! Let’s see if you’re right. No, it’s C. 
So, wrong on both counts and no logic to be seen anywhere! 
If the Chaser’s put C, you’re out…..and she has! Well Jacinda, it was lovely meeting you but you have been caught. Goodbye! 

B: Nice girl, lovely smile, chatty...but not much up the old apples and pears, as me old Nan used to say! 
TG: Wasn’t really bothered whether I got rid of her or not. Definitely would NOT have been a threat in the final chase. More of an asset to me with all that talking! 

B: Next up is Nanaia. Can she score big and make it back to the team? Let’s find out! So Nanaia, tell us a bit about yourself. 
N: I work with Local Government. Well, order them around really, and specialise in bespoke indigenous solutions to critical asset management and governance restructures. 
B: Sounds complicated! What do you do when you’re not working? 
N: I have a large extended family who take up virtually all of my time, both socially…and professionally. I also have a collection of antique knuckle-dusters that I’m very proud of. 
B: And if you win some money today what would you do with it? 
N: I’d like to get a tattoo...another one, I should say. 

B: Well, let’s see if we can get you that tattoo. Good luck. Your time starts now. 
     What is the chemical formula for water? 
N: Isn’t there three kinds? So it should have 3 formulas. 
No wait, I hear it at work all the time….CO2! 
B: Wrong...H2O. 
     Which country invented the term “apartheid”? 
N: I’ve studied this closely and give it full consideration in all my professional activities. South Africa! 
B: Correct.
     What is the Latin term, meaning “I forbid”? 
N: One of my favourite words…..Veto! 
B: Correct. And, time’s up!. Nanaia, you’ve scored $2000, and definitely the star of the team up to now. Let’s meet the Chaser and see what the offers are. 

TG: So Nanaia, that was quite an impressive performance. But then I would say that to someone who loves collecting knuckle-dusters. 
B: Let’s put the offers on the table. 
TG: A low offer of $1000. And a high offer of……...$40,000! 
B: Let’s see what the team thinks 
A: I’m happy with whatever you choose. 
G: Go high! 
N: I could get tattoos for my whole whanau with forty grand so I’m going high! 
TG: Shake her hand for me Bradley. Watch her knuckles though! 

B: Right, for $40,000, here’s your first question. 
     What was the first country in the world to give women the vote? 
         A/ Saudi Arabia         B/ China         C/ New Zealand 
N: I’m pretty sure it was China, being a progressive socialist republic; they’re always more enlightened than Western colonial powers who discriminate against all minorities. 
B: Hold on darlin’, I don’t think women are a minority, are they? 
And China’s communist, so whether you have the vote or not doesn’t bleedin’ matter! 
N: First of all, Bradley, “darling” is a misogynistic term which demeans women and is typically used by aging, white, privileged males…like yourself. 
B: Come on, love! I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s only a game, sweetheart! 
N: Secondly, I think we can learn a lot from the Chinese. And, their culture has much in common with our own indigenous culture - dragons and taniwhas…and probably other stuff. 
Their political system has a lot to recommend it, as it happens. Too much choice can be a bad thing, as I often find in my line of work. Anyway, lock in B. 
B: Oops! The correct answer is ….C! Thought you would’ve known that, princess! And the Chaser has put….C! 

B: You have to get this next one right, babe, or you’re out. 
     What is the meaning of favouritism? 
     A/ unfairly promoting a particular group      B/ being good at doing favours for people      C/ being everyone’s favourite 
N: I hear this whispered a lot in my department, then everyone goes quiet and looks away. Considering how much my staff admire and respect me, it has to be a toss up between B and C. 
I feel a bit embarrassed saying this but I think it’s C. 
B: And the answer is…...A! Not as well liked as you thought, petal!  The Chaser has put…..A! I’m sorry to lose you, Nanaia, but you have been caught! 
N: Hold on, that’s not fair. I specifically asked for some picture questions. This is a classic case of indigenous ethnic minority discrimation and I’m going to complain to our impartial, left-wing media about it. This show will be all over breakfast TV tomorrow for all the wrong reasons, and……. Hey! Get your hands off me! 
B: Mind the door on the wait out, doll! First time we’ve ever had to call security. I do hate a bad loser, don’t you! 

TG: Yes, I’m glad to get rid of her. If only because she was more scary than I am! 
B: Well, that’s two players gone and Andrew’s up next. Will he go low...let’s find out!

B: Welcome to The Chase, Andrew. What do you do? 
A: I work in the Health sector. I’m responsible for managing a large portfolio of health providers and principally ensuring equitable outcomes for our most vulnerable ethnic group by prioritising spending and treatment for them at the expense of everyone else. 
B: Triffic! Sorry, I always yawn when I’m interested. What do you do in your spare time? 
A: I don’t have much of that. I’m fully occupied thinking up excuses for the non-performance of my department and the very low return on spending. It really is a full time job! 
B: And if you win some money today what would you do with it? 
A: That’s a tough one. Probably give it back to the taxpayer. 
B: OK, Andrew. Let’s see if we can make up a “little” - no pun intended - for all the financial waste you’re responsible for, shall we? Your time!
B: In what field do practitioners take the Hippocratic Oath? 
A: Too easy! The clue’s in the question, as you always say, Brad - hippo…..Zoology!
B: Wrong, Medicine! 
     Who said the famous line “I have a dream... “? 
A: This is one of my favourite songs…..ABBA. 
B: Wrong, Martin Luther King Jr. 
     Who was the first man to circumnavigate the world and survive? 
A: I remember this. Richard a balloon! 
B: God ‘elp us! No, it was Francis Drake back in 1580 - only 400 years out, Andy! And thankfully, we’ve run out of time. Like our first contestant, you’ve scored $0. Let’s meet the Chaser and see what the offers are. 

TG: Well Andrew, sounds like the poor old taxpayer will be getting nothing after that woeful performance. But here goes. A low offer of -$1000, and a high offer of…………….$50,000! 
B: Let’s see what the team thinks. All one of them! 
G: Go high! Go high! 
B: So Andy, what’ll it be? 
A: I have to go high. I owe it to the taxpayer...literally! 

B: Right, for $50,000, here’s your first question. 
     What sector typically accounts for most of a government’s budget spending? 
         A/ Health          B/ Education          C/ Arts 
A: I think this is a trick question. Health seems the obvious choice but in my own experience we only get about $20 billion. I know from dealing with other departments that the Arts these days does attract a very large spend...quite rightly! So, I’ve gone for C. 
B: Really!!!! I thought it would be A all day long. 
Anyway, the correct answer is …...A! 
Bit of an own goal that one, Andy boy! You being in health, an’ all! And the Chaser’s put….A! 

B: It’s make or break time, Andy! 
     Who wrote Alice in Wonderland? 
         A/ Lewis Hamilton      B/ Lennox Lewis      C/ Lewis Carroll 
A: I’ve seen the movie with Johnny Depp. I thought he wrote the book as well. To be honest I don’t really know, so this has to be an educated guess. 
B: As opposed to a wild guess, you mean? What makes this one educated then? 
A: I think it’s B because that’s the only one with Lewis as a surname. Yeah...I’ve got a feeling about this. Go for B. 
B: And the answer’s…..C. Another shocker, Andy - Lennox Lewis was a boxer! 
After a sharp right hook he might’ve found himself in Wonderland, but he didn’t write about it. 
If the Chaser’s put C you’ve been caught, and she will know this. Yes, you’re out! That’s my third player gone. Sorry, Andy, all the’ll need it! 

TG: Well, only one remaining. Just the way I like it. Excellent! 
B: Only poor old Grant left. He’s been telling everyone to go high all day. Will he follow his own advice? Let’s find out. 

B: Well Grant, lucky last my old son. Tell us a bit about yourself. 
G: I work in government Finance and I’m responsible for a budget the size of a small country. 
B: And in your spare time? 
G: I enjoy printing...started on paper media but now I’ve moved into polymer, which is more durable. 
B: And what do you print….pictures, patterns? 
G: Famous people...the Queen, Edmund Hillary, Ngata Apirana, Kate Sheppard, Ernest Rutherford - I would’ve got Jacinda’s question right, Brad! 
Birds as well - the whio, the karearea, the kokako. And numbers, of course. 
B: Cor blimey! Sounds fascinating! And if you win some money today what’ll you do with it? 
G: Go to Las Vegas and play poker….or blackjack….or roulette….or anything really. 
B: You’re a bit of a dark horse, Grant. A financier who loves gambling - hope your employer ain’t watching! Right, let’s get you to Vegas. Your time starts…! 

B: John Maynard Keynes was a leading figure in what field? 
G: Ummm….sounds like canes….Basket Weaving? 
B: Wrong. Economics. 
     “Money Makes the World Go Round” was a song from which musical? 
G: Les Miserables….no, Jesus Christ Superstar…, Cats? 
B: Wrong. Cabaret. And I can only take your first answer...although all three were miles off! 
     What is said to be “the root of all evil”? 
G: Capitalism? That’s what I get told at work, anyway. 
B: Wrong. Money. But close, sort of! 
Well, another big fat $0. Nanaia really was the star performer….even if she turned ugly at the end! Let’s head to the table and meet the Chaser. 

TG: So Grant...a financier, who likes gambling, can’t identify a famous economist, and thinks capitalism is evil. This should be fun! 
B: Let’s put some offers on the table. 
TG: A very generous low offer of $0, the same as you earned in your cashbuilder. And a high offer of…………………………………..$100,000!!! 
B: Don’t bother asking the team Grant. They’re all gone. So, there’s really only one option but I still have to ask. 
G: Gosh, that’s a lot of zeros. I like zeros. Yes, I’m going for $100,000! 

B: Right, for $100,000, here’s your first question. 
    What is Quantitative Easing? 
         A/ vacuum-packing technology     B/ a new diet      C/ monetary policy 
G: Look, it can’t be C...I’ve never heard of it and I’ve been in finance for years. 
B: You’d never ‘eard of Keynes, either, but you got that wrong! 
G: I’m leaning towards B. I’ve tried a few diets in my time and they sometimes have fancy the Zone or the Paleo. Yep, I’m going with B. 
B: And the correct answer is…..C. The Chaser’s put…..C! 
You better pray no more money questions come up or you’ll be out. 

B: You’re between a rock and a hard place now, sunshine! Next, and probably last question! 
Blimey, I don’t believe it. Would you credit it, it’s another numbers one! 
        A number with fifteen zeros is called what? 
            A/ a billion          B/ a trillion          C/ a quadrillion 
G: Shit! I bloody knew this would happen. My mate Adrian, he’s a colleague at work, told me to brush up on these but I decided to learn all the winners of the Bachelorette NZ instead. 
Right, Granty boy. Put your thinking cap on, you can do this. 
I’m sure “quad” means four, and you can’t divide 4 into 15, so it can’t be C. Applying my math skills there! So it’s between A and B. 
B: Are you sure Grant? Cor, this is painful to watch! 
G: I come across billions a lot at work but not many trillions, although recently they’ve become more common with Covid….and the housing crisis...and the health crisis….and the education crisis. Fifteen zeros takes a long time to write down so I’m going with B. Please be right!! 
B: And the correct answer is……C! 
G: Bollocks and Bugger! 
B: Come on Grant. This is a family show…keep it clean. In fact, most kids could’ve done better than you lot today! 
Let’s see if the Chaser’s let you off the hook. No, she’s put……C! 
Which means, cockle, you have been caught! 

TG: Well, I can honestly say that was the worst performance by any team in the history of The Chase. And to mark this momentous event the producers have decided to award each of you $1 and forego the final chase which they feel would be cruel and unusual punishment for the audience. 
B: And there you have it. Don’t know about you at home but I need a lie down! 

B: Do you know how many zeros a quadrillion has? If you do, you might just be clever enough to take on the Chaser. Why not give it a go! 
You can’t possibly do any worse than the bunch of muppets we had on the show today. 

Derek Mackie is a geologist with a keen interest in current affairs.


Anonymous said...

Very clever. Gave me a bit of a chuckle iamidst all the current rubbish we are enduring. Thank you for writing that

terry handcock said...

brilliant mate love your humor keep it up

Rosemary said...

Loved it. My husband loves the Chase and this version was superb. Love poking fun at the useless muppets ruling over us at the moment. I'm really hoping to read of Mr Luxon making them look silly also. Jacinda thinks she's such a celebrity. I wonder if she knows what so many Kiwis REALLY think about her.