Derek Mackie: Have a merry Covid Christmas!

2021 is a year we all want to forget for a raft of reasons, not just Covid and the accompanying restrictions on our freedoms. But with the summer holidays approaching I’ve been trying to get excited about our first and hopefully last, real Covid Christmas. I don’t count last year because we were able to do whatever we wanted...apart from leaving the country and getting back in again, which is still an issue. 

 There is a slim chance that the Covid Queen with the dazzling smile will wave her magic wand and all the restrictions will be lifted. But only if every DHB in NZ gets a golden ticket by reaching the 90% vax target. Even if just one DHB, far far away from where you live, is at 89% then Christmas, as we know it, will be cancelled for everyone. This does seem a tad unfair but that’s the “new normal”, as our government never tires of telling us. 

 If the worst happens, and it does seem likely, you may get depressed that you’ll be stuck at home in lockdown with only immediate family and Netflix for company - but that’s most people’s regular Christmas anyway, so get over it! 

 I’m here to cheer you up and I’ve compiled a list of all the positive things that will make a Covid Christmas one to remember. 

•  No family and friends visiting from around the country or overseas - Most of us have a Xmas visitor that we find annoying...be honest. Now, you only have to chat for a short while on Messenger or Zoom, while making faces just out of camera shot. And you can cut the connection whenever you like and pretend your internet dropped out. 
•  Christmas Dinner - you can still get outdoors, locally at least. Try having a picnic at your park and enjoy the sun. This will be strictly limited to numbers, provided by the government’s official Covid modelling experts, or just made up by them - who knows, and will likely change at very short notice so take a radio with you. If too many people have the same idea then you’ll have to do a headcount, as well as enforce strict social distancing and mask protocol. And if there’s a pond, absolutely no swimming. Up to your neck while treading water is fine, as demonstrated by the Siouxsie Wiles Level 4 method, which was briefly available on YouTube but has since been removed. Best not to stray too far from your house or drink too much because public toilets will be locked. 
•  Dressing up as Santa - This is for those of us with kids that still believe in Santa...so these days that’s the under 3’s. Normally you have to pad out that big red suit with the winter duvet to look the part but months on the couch in lockdown, bingeing on chips and choccie, has increased your BMI a treat. You may even have to let the jacket out a bit! 
•  Christmas presents - Chances are you’ve had to order everything online, most likely from China because NZ doesn’t make anything anymore. NZ Post is already warning of significant parcel delivery delays so it’s probable that come the 25th your prezzies will be stuck in customs or on a ship. But, that’s good because you won’t have to gift wrap anything...then fill up your recycling bin with all the paper!! 
•  Face masks - There’s a good chance that someone will buy you a Christmas themed mask that looks ridiculous. One with a big red nose or a white beard attached. No problem - just pop it on so you don’t have to smile and pretend you like it, then tie it up with some dog biscuits inside and let the family pet destroy it...aw, what a shame! 
•  No Boxing Day sales shopping - This is a typical man’s idea of heaven and one I’m particularly looking forward to. No walking around shopping malls, standing outside countless stores waiting on your better half. That’s after wasting half a tank of petrol - or half a battery of electricity for those rich enough to afford the EV - driving around in circles trying to find a parking space. 

 So folks, there really is a lot to look forward to. Of course, things won’t be the same as a normal Chrissie but that may not be a bad thing. So, look on the bright side and be positive. 

 And the best present of all is that it’s only another 1 year and 10 months until we can vote to get rid of the people responsible for messing with the big day...and lots of other stuff too. Have a merry Covid Christmas! 

Derek Mackie is a geologist with a keen interest in current affairs.