Derek Mackie: Labour Operating System no longer supported

Dear Tech Support 

 I’ve had my computer for a few years - I purchased it back in August 2020. It’s never given me any trouble…until now! 

When I first got it, I uploaded the Labour Party app - Red Till You're Dead 6.1.

It was a bit clunky, took up a lot of disk space, was slow at processing requests and often returned a nil result. But I had a soft spot for it and at least it performed exactly as expected. 

 Then back in October a message appeared when I tried opening it, saying:- 

 “This app will no longer be supported from 1 November. Follow the link below to download our new, much improved app. Download early and get a free subscription to the NZ Herald or a Stuff publication of your choice.” 

 So I did. And that’s when all my problems began. 

The upgraded app, called Progressive, Inclusive Software System 1.0 has been a disaster! 

Every time I go for a PISS icon it saturates my processor with pointless commands, while interfering with some of my other apps, making them inoperable. 

 Budgeting for Beginners 3.5 still opens, but then the expenses column randomly fills with red numbers, some in the millions, while I can’t enter anything into the income column. 

 NZ History at Home 18.40 has been completely re-written, with some parts of the text redacted, especially the Treaty of Waitangi and pre-European Maori history sections. 

 Worse still, installing PISS effectively hosed clean my hard drive of many of my favourite apps which were uninstalled without my permission. 

 My weather app has been replaced by ClimateEmergency.com. Forget sun, rain and wind, it only shows the current CO2 level. You can’t get today’s or tomorrow’s temperature either, only the 20, 50 and 100 year modelled forecasts. 

 Ancestry.com has disappeared. When I tried reinstalling it I got directed to a webpage with an app called Iwi Quest 4.4. It won’t let me exit the page so I have to crash the PC and restart it.

 And my Grand Designs town-planner game, where you create and build new homes and towns, also went missing, and when I tried to reinstall it the computer told me it was ideologically and legislatively incompatible with PISS. What the hell does that mean? 

 Another weird thing - in Word, when I open a letter template, it automatically puts salutations and valedictions in Te Reo. It won’t let me change them back to English. Likewise, when I use words like family, kids, house, work, even NZTA and NZ Health - all automatically change to Te Reo. 

 I’ve tried everything. In hindsight, I should never have taken the PISS special offer. 

 Please help me, I’m at the end of my tether, and feel like I’m drowning in PISS. 

Yours hopefully 

Desperate Red 

Dear Desperate Red 

 Don’t worry. The good news is you’re not alone. 

Even some of my colleagues have endured the same tech trials and tribulations, and they’re computer experts! 

The bad news - this is not an easy fix, but ultimately it can be done if you’re determined enough. 

 Bear in mind that Red Till You're Dead was more of a traditional, “user-chooses” software package, whereas PISS 1.0 is one of the new generation, ideological, hard-wired, full-immersion control systems; the kind that’s proliferated in the past 3 years. 

It’s less concerned about user choice and enjoyment, PC performance, accurate search results and valuable outputs; instead it’s really all about ensuring the user only sees “relevant” information, as prescribed by the program. 

First thing to try is: 

Login as Administrator, then in the Command line type: 

“I’m exercising my right to choose.html” 

 This command does work occasionally but most times not. It seems to randomly exploit a temporary glitch in PISS poor programming. 

If successful, you should be able to uninstall PISS 1.0 and regain control of your PC. 

 More than likely you’ll have to move to stage two. 

This is a series of dark web fixes, called golden showers (don’t ask me why), that allow you to hack into the PISS personal user settings, which are normally blocked and completely out of bounds. 

Install Democracy 5.2 for a start, then Rights 3.1, and lastly Freedoms 8.1. This should improve things, but programs like PISS are awash with anti-hacking features and liberally sprinkled with self-correcting algorithms, so gains may be short-lived. 

And a word of warning. Accessing these programs too often can trigger system alarms and cause PISS to spray out a deluge of counter-measures - cancelling your social media accounts, deleting your emails, stealing your identity, locking your computer and sending ransom demands, so be very careful. 

 Finally, if all else fails, there is one very powerful program that can be deployed. 

Installing ACT 1.0 will purge your PC of PISS and any other unwanted control systems. It trawls through every app looking for commands which limit freedom of choice and prevent access to balanced information and opinion. 

 This should only be used as a last resort because once these systems have been deleted or changed it’s impossible to reinstall them in their original form. In our experience, that’s not a problem for our clients. 

Good Luck Desperate Red and all the best from the Tech Team. 

P.S. - Keep a clear head. Before attempting this, best not to drink. PISS - it can give you a busting headache! 

Derek Mackie is a former geologist with a keen interest in current affairs and a penchant for satire.